Report: Nobody Knows Why ESPN is on in Piano Row Lobby

watchespn

By Jeremy Vandroff

ESPN is on in the Piano Row lobby, and sources confirm that nobody has any clue as to why that is.

“They’ve got Emerson Channel on the top left, and J Channel on the top right, which is cool,” observed freshman Carl Robinson, 18. “And CNN is on the bottom left, which makes sense because we all like to keep up with current events. And then there’s ESPN.”

The VMA major from Newton pointed out that nobody on his Piano Row dormitory floor watches ESPN, or is very “into sports and stuff.”

“It just seems like we could have Emerson Channel on twice instead,” chimed in sophomore Emily Jackson. “The EVVYs were amazing last year!”

After canvassing the Piano Row lobby for several hours, it was still unclear if anyone passing by had ever watched the sports programming offered in the bottom right corner of the monitor display.

At press time, several WLP students were hocking a petition, promising to replace the ESPN screen with a book of Emily Dickinson poems.

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