We Did The Math: DH Costs $374 Per Swipe

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We did the math, and the results may surprise you.

By Jeremy Vandroff

We did the math. Emerson College’s Dining Hall, a bastion of controversy and vegan options, costs $374 dollars per swipe.

Going undercover, an investigative team of reporters from this publication did the math.

“Math isn’t always easy to do,” quipped Charlie Greenwald, co-founder of the Lion’s Tooth. “But we did it. We did the math.”

The Dining Hall has long since been a hotbed of criticism: Small portions, limited meal swipes per semester, not enough taco nights. Take your pick. And to top it all off, sources are confirming we did the math.

If we explained our rigorous extrapolation process of costs and profits, you would get bored, but just know that we did the math.

In a nutshell, most of the money coming out of your parent’s pocket to feed you goes toward that television in the back room. The same one the 7 Emerson sports bros commandeer every fucking day. The rest of your parent’s hard earned cash is spent on the vegan options.

“The rest of the stuff is cheap as hell, or just donated,” explained head of Sodexo Bob Brillow. “Take the lactose free ice cream machine. You think we paid for that thing? People can’t get rid of lactose free ice cream machines fast enough.”

At press time, Brillow was explaining how Sodexo could potentially cut the average cost of a meal swipe to $259 if they quit offering silverware.

We did the math.

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