Hilarious Student Asks, “We Have Sports Here?”, Instantly Becomes All-Time Great Comedian

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By: Malcolm Kelner

Today is a big day in the history of comedy.

When passing by a fellow student carrying a lacrosse stick on Boylston Street, Emerson junior Stage & Production Design major Carrie Ellison hilariously dropped the bombshell, “Wait, we have sports here?”

As her friend Chrissy Danielson chuckled and responded, “Apparently,” little did either of the two ladies know that Ellison was already making a lightning-fast ascent up the ladder of the greatest comedians of all time.

With her brilliant, sarcastic faux-shock that Emerson, a school traditionally known for the arts and not athletics, does indeed have 14 NCAA Division III varsity sports teams, entertainment pundits were instantly mentioning the student in the same breath as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, and Robin Williams.

One analyst added, “No offense to the late Joan Rivers, but we have a new most influential female comedian of all time.”

Also at this hour, the top talent agents in Hollywood are currently jockeying for position to provide their services to Ellison, many citing the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to represent such a comedic prodigy.

This is all news to Ellison, who at press time, recited, “I’m thinking about a gourmet dinner tonight… how about the DH?”

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