By: Malcolm Kelner
While speaking about an uptick of the economy during tonight’s State of the Union address, President Obama lightheartedly stated, “This is good news, people,” followed by a devious half bitten bottom lip smile and wink, and sources have confirmed this has sent the entirety of Emerson College’s female population into a complete and collective comatose state.
Minutes after a flurry of fired off social media posts, such as, “Oh my god, Obama just winked. #swoon,” from freshman marketing major Katie Richards and “Wait did my husband just wink. Why is he so perfect,” from junior Emma Donaldson, sources confirm that literally every single Emerson co-ed is now non-responsive and is being rushed to Massachusetts General Hospital.
The hashtag #PrayForEmerson is already trending nationwide on Twitter, as concerned citizens turn their eyes to Boston and brace for the worst.
Sources added that maybe if the students actually treated President Obama with more of the proper gravitas befitting of the most powerful man in the nation and world and less like a fucking actor or singer on TMZ, this might not have happened.
“We’ve never seen anything like this,” stated Emerson Police Chief Robert Smith. “We knew the students–particularly the women–were raging liberals and inordinately obsessed with Obama, but no one knew it was to this dangerous of a level. We are responding as swiftly as possible and EMT crews are in action as we speak.”
School President Lee Pelton has already cancelled Wednesday’s classes, and is expected to follow suit for the remainder of the week as well. It could be even longer than that, depending on the severity of the comas, which is currently unknown.
At press time, hospital staff was attempting to bring the girls back into consciousness by playing audio clips of Mitt Romney.