Freshman Concerned She Won’t Find Gay Best Friend At This Point

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By: Malcolm Kelner

A freshman student is starting to think she has no chance of finding a gay best friend at this point. Sources tell us WLP major Alana McCormick is reportedly “worried sick” that her window of opportunity to procure one is closed.

Born and raised outside of Laredo, Texas, McCormick had never met any outwardly homosexual individuals and finding a gay best friend at Emerson was one of the parts of college she was most looking forward to. However, despite always being on the lookout, McCormick has yet to meet a single gay male student who had mutual platonic feelings for her.

“We’re not even a week into second semester yet,” McCormick’s roommate Sarah Chang comforted, during McCormick’s most recent breakdown on the matter. “You have plenty of time.”

However, McCormick was not so convinced, and tearfully responded, “Easy for you to say,” given how Chang smartly locked up her GBF during orientation week.

McCormick has reason to be jealous. Not only does Chang hang out with Mikey Thomas pretty much every night to swap intimate details of all aspects of their lives, but also now has an adorable profile picture with a selfie of the two leaning their heads in together at an upscale Italian restaurant in the North End.

The most recent count on the picture was a very respectable 136 likes—nearly quadruple the amount of McCormick’s outdated profile picture of her and her unfortunately straight douchebag prom date from last spring, only adding to the jealousy between the two girls.

At press time, McCormick was standing alone in the library, longingly staring into the virtually empty and pathetically decorated study room where the Will & Grace set used to be.

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