By: Malcolm Kelner
In what’s sure to be a bloody battle, ECwireless-5GHz has declared war against ECwireless.
Tensions have been building between the two wireless internet networks since the young and brash ECwireless-5GHz formed during the second half of last school year, and relations have reportedly reached a boiling point, rendering co-existence near impossible.
“ECwireless has maintained its dictatorial reign of slow speeds, frequent timeouts, and inconsistent campus access points over Emerson and all of its students for far too long,” EC wireless-5GHz said to us in an exclusive interview.
“We have explored every diplomatic option available to us but have been met with either no response or a long buffering screen every time. Physical force was always a last resort but it unfortunately appears that’s what this has come to.”
In an additional exclusive interview obtained by Lion’s Tooth staff, ECwireless countered its enemy’s aggressiveness by being very short and to the point.
“We don’t negotiate with terrorists,” the network scoffed.
The war is expected to begin any day now, and school president Lee Pelton has sent out an e-mail to the entire student body urging them to stay calm, and to try to only congregate in one of the many wireless dead zones on campus to ensure safety.
At press time, the students were completely apathetic to the battle because both networks still fucking suck.