Andy Tiedemann Reportedly Cowering In Fear As Enormous Icicles Surround His Home


By Charlie Greenwald

Emerson College employee Andy Tiedemann, the designated official in charge of relaying closing information to the student body and faculty, is reportedly “cowering in fear” inside of his suburban home due to a large presence of razor-sharp icicles scattered around his house. The technologically savvy and enigmatic Vice President for Communications and Marketing has attributed his newfound fear of winter to these terrifying spikes of ice around his abode just outside of Boston.

“We haven’t eaten in days, but we cannot go outside,” Tiedemann wailed during a phone interview. “My family and I are starting to turn on each other.”

The formation of icicles outside of Tiedemann’s home began last night at approximately 3:00 am. Each one could pierce through a human skull, according to multiple sources.

“We’re going to try and dig a hole through the floorboards tonight, in order to reach the other side of the lawn,” Tiedemann said with a crazed look in his eyes to a Lion’s Tooth reporter.

Emerson College has cancelled school 3 times in the past 6 days – 2 for Winter Storm Juno, the blizzard that hit New England hard, and 1 for Winter Storm Linus, the blizzard that hit last night and crushed Massachusetts yet again with snow. While make up days have been arranged for last week’s snow days, no word has been given yet on how today’s classes will be made up.

“I’m starting to think we need to just cancel classes until March, especially since kids here just care about extracurriculars,” moaned Tiedemann.

At press time, Emerson students were all really sick of the snow days and frustrated about the possibility of more school being cancelled due to the Super Bowl parade for the New England Patriots.

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