With MBTA On The Rocks, Student Treks Through Blizzard To Get To Liquor Store That Takes Fake ID

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By: Malcolm Kelner

With another massive winter storm cancelling Monday classes and shutting down the MBTA by 7 PM, sophomore film major Gavin Jacobson has just decided to make the journey of his life– to the closest liquor that takes his fake ID.

“So Nate, you’re getting a fifth of Fireball, Sergio, you’re getting a bottle of Mr. Boston, Christian, what did you want again? Oh right, a six pack of PBR tallboys, and then I’m getting Mr. Boston as well. Are you sure you’re good, Julian?” said Jacobson, diligently making sure he got his underage roommates’ orders right.

The 19-year-old, whose convincing thick beard “never even makes the guy at the counter think twice,” then opened his laptop to begin calculating the length and estimated physical toll of his precarious trip.

“Alright, so Google Maps says it’s an 11-minute walk from LB [Little Building] to Walgreen’s in Downtown Crossing… but that’s on a normal day,” Jacobson muttered to himself.

“The winds are howling out there and visibility is going to be low with all the snow so I’m probably going to have to double or even triple that commute time,” he added, turning his head to nervously glance out the window. “That’s probably a pretty conservative estimate.”

“Well here’s goes nothing,” Jacobson proclaimed to his roommates–conveying a sense of confidence that wasn’t entirely sincere–after bundling up with several warm layers, lacing up his tan Timberland boots, and strapping on his backpack.

At press time, Jacobson was sighted by sources around Suffolk’s campus, and was bravely battling hypothermia and frostbite as he tepidly walked backwards to avoid the wind hitting his face.

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