Report: Dining Hall Has “Big Plans” For Vertically Hung Television Screen

Get ready!

By: Malcolm Kelner

A Lion’s Tooth investigation has confirmed Emerson’s dining hall has “big plans” for a vertically hung television screen on one of the pillars in between the salad bar and the home cooking station.

The screen, mounted a couple weeks ago, fits ever so perfectly in portrait alignment between the ceiling and gracious ‘Welcome’ sign. It is an incredible feat of engineering and creativity because televisions are typically hung horizontally, not vertically.

Until now.

While so far the screen has either displayed an error message or has been turned off, our sources tell us it won’t be that way for long.

“I’m not going to say it was totally my idea… okay, maybe it was,” quipped Sodexo assistant manager Bob Lurkowski with a sly grin.

“But we have big plans for the screen. For some reason people always complain about the dining hall here but once we get this baby up and running, expect those complaints to turn into compliments. You can thank me now.”

Students have so far been predictably skeptical that the vertical TV is going to cause any discernible increase in the quality of the DH, which many consider to be underwhelming and lacking for such an expensive college.

“You know, I really do get it. $52,446 should get kids here a better dining experience,” Lurkowski continued. “That’s why we bought this TV and vertically mounted it. I’m excited for the next college dining hall rankings to come out… I’m predicting we crack the top ten.”

At press time, a rat jumped onto the salad bar and onto the screen, clawing it to pieces.

UPDATE: We’re up and running! Well… almost.


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