Emerson Quidditch Players Embarrass Division I Football Program In Offseason Workout


By Charlie Greenwald

ATLANTA, GA – In an unprecedented move, several Emerson Quidditch players were spotted engaging in a rigorous offseason training regimen with the Georgia Tech football team at Bobby Dodd Stadium.

“Fall is coming up, and we want to be in top form,” said Sam Livingston, captain of the Boylston Berserkers. “Our chasers are a little out of shape, and that’s just inexcusable.”

Located in the heart of A-Town, the Georgia Institute of Technology boasts a stalwart Division I football program. The Yellow Jackets posted a record of 11-3 last year with several epic come-from-behind wins. The team says they were contacted by several Emerson students about collaborating for an offseason training session.

“These guys are the real deal, so we paid for the airfare,” says Chris Riley, Georgia Tech’s athletic director. “I’ve seen nothing but unparalleled talent.”

Despite the excitement of a cross-sport fitness collaboration, several Georgia Tech football players and coaches spoke to the media about feeling intimidated by the Emerson Quidditch community.

“These guys are ridiculous,” said Georgia Tech coach Craig Gorcheck. “They’re kicking our asses on the Russian twists and uphill speed ladders.”

According to multiple eyewitnesses, the two organizations exercised efficiently together, alternating football workouts and Quidditch workouts throughout the day. The Emerson players reportedly had no trouble during the blocking drills, while many of the Georgia Tech players had trouble catching their breath after a brief Quidditch match.

“I don’t know how they do it,” said Georgia Tech star linebacker Reggie Decker. “Their competence on the broom is incredible, and their skill with the quaffle is artful.”

After the workout, several Emerson students were seen going over the rules with the Georgia Tech football team, entranced by the game’s dynamics.

“Football and Quidditch are pretty similar, gentlemen,” lectured Jamaica Plain Jaguars player Freddie Heckles. “They both require hand-eye coordination, efficient footwork… you know, all the fundamentals.”

Sources confirmed that before Emerson students left the session, several Georgia Tech players were seen asking when Quidditch tryouts were next semester.

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