Lee Pelton Busts Down Dean Ludman’s Door, Only To Find He’s Skipped Town

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By Jeremy Vandroff 

In a last ditch effort to investigate suspicious circumstances surrounding Dean of Students Ronald Ludman’s sudden “retirement,” Emerson President Lee Pelton busted down Ludman’s office door, only to find the Dean had already skipped town.

“The bastard got away!” exclaimed an agitated Pelton, as he rifled through desk drawers, frantic for clues. “He must be 800 miles from here by now…”

After crafting a politically correct email informing the Emerson community of Ludman’s end of tenure, Pelton headed to the basement of Piano Row, flashlight in hand, searching for an underground tunnel system.

When reached for comment, Pelton urged anyone to go to the authorities if they had any information about Dean Ludman. After a minute, he reconsidered.

“Come to me first.”

At press time, Dean Ludman was boarding a 747 jet to Manila, sporting a false mustache and a duffel bag full of cash.

Report: First Date At Griddler’s Was An Awful Decision

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By Jeremy Vandroff

After a night gone terribly, terribly wrong,  VMA major Tristan Reynolds admitted taking a girl from his History of Jazz class out to Griddler’s on a first date was an awful decision.

“It seemed like a fun idea at the time,” mused the sophomore, staring blankly into the distance. After muttering what sounded like “jackass” to himself, he continued.

“I heard they were going to start accepting EC Cash, so I figured that might be a bonus too.”

Unfortunately for Reynolds, things got off to a rocky start.

“It went south fairly quickly,” reported Sean Alexander, 34, who was working the cash register at the time. Alexander went on to describe how Reynolds pathetically scurried around, asking customers how much longer they would be at their tables for.

“You can’t just walk in unannounced on a Saturday night and expect to get a table,” Alexander explained.

“This ain’t Bolocco, this is Griddler’s!”

The  disaster of an evening took another turn when Reynold’s EC Cash was declined. After laughing confusedly for a few minutes, his date covered the cost. She and Reynolds munched on waffle fries near the doorway for a while, and then Reynolds suggested they get a milkshake.

“She said she had homework,” Reynolds reported, and stared at an empty Griddler’s bag in his dorm room.

At press time, Reynolds date explained that while she absolutely loves the juicy burgers and friendly service at Griddler’s,  Reynolds was a “pretty weird guy,” and that’s why she got out of there so quickly.

This Film Student Just Saw A Movie With A Friend. What Happens Next Will Shock You.

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By: Malcolm Kelner

This afternoon, Emerson sophomore friends Sammy Decker (pictured) and Will Tierney decided to take advantage of their free schedules and head over to the Loews Boston Common Theater to take in a matinee showing of “The Gunman.”

Decker is a film major. Tierney is a marketing major.

What happens next will shock you. Ready?

Decker went through the entire movie without making a single comment about any of the camera shots.

We’re not kidding.

Undercover Lion’s Tooth reporters were there, strategically sitting in the row behind the two students, and can confirm that other than natural reactions of brief laughter and surprise, Decker did not once nudge his friend, completely interrupt his viewing experience, and rant about a great arc shot, risky jump cut, or unconventional use of deep focus.

Nothing. He just sat there, like a normal person, watched the movie, and kept his fucking mouth shut.

Incredible.

At press time, during the students’ walk back to campus, Decker proclaimed, “I wouldn’t say I was thoroughly disappointed, but that really didn’t do much to advance [director Pierre] Morel’s career.”

OH MY GOD! LEE PELTON! AHHH!!!

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OH MY GOD! LOOK! THERE HE IS! LEE PELTON! AHHHH! HE’S SO COOL! HE’S THE BEST PRESIDENT EVER! HE’S LIKE OUR OWN VERSION OF OBAMA! THAT’S SUCH A COOL PICTURE TOO! BEFITTING OF SUCH A COOL GUY! IT’S LIKE THAT SONG WHERE HE’S GOT THE WHOLE WORLD IN HIS HANDS! BUT HE MIGHT AS WELL BECAUSE IT’S LEE PELTON AND HE’S THE BEST PRESIDENT EVER! OF COURSE HE SUPPORTS PROTECTING THE ENVIRONMENT AND OF COURSE SO DO I! I MIGHT GO TO THIS GALA THING JUST SO I COULD HAVE A CHANCE AT SEEING HIM IN PERSON AND MAYBE GET A SELFIE OR AUTOGRAPH OR SOMETHING! AHHHHHH!!

LEE!!!!!!

Campus Drug Dealer Starting To Worry About Future Reputation

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By: Malcolm Kelner

Notable Emerson drug dealer Gavin Lupo is reportedly starting to worry about his future reputation.

Sources tell us the sophomore film major, whose Little Building dorm room is the “on-campus one-stop shop” for marijuana, molly, cocaine, and Adderall (thanks to his prescription from a bullshit ADHD diagnosis), has begun to think about life after college and how his illegal and possibly felonious activities could affect him down the road.

“The other day I had a ‘come to Jesus moment’ about dealing,” said Lupo, who doesn’t believe in God.

“I realized, like, once I become a famous director someday, am I gonna be known as the guy who used to deal in college? I mean, nowadays with the internet, anyone who gets jealous of me could put that out there and ruin me.”

“I’m a marketing minor too, so I know that image is everything.”

Lion’s Tooth reporters asked Lupo if his recent trepidations would cause him to stop dealing.

“Woah, woah, woah,” Lupo assured. “Come on now, all I said is I might be kind of concerned about it.”

“A guy’s got to grind to make his money somehow,” added the upper middle-class suburban Connecticut resident, whose parents pay his Emerson tuition in full, without a cent of scholarship money or loans.

At press time, Lupo was giving the cute girl down the hall a slight discount on Percosets to try to get her to hook up with him.

DH Television Sitting Idly, Waiting Patiently For Sports Kids

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By Charlie Greenwald

Citing the lack of sports kids eating lunch in the LB today, the DH television was reportedly spotted moping around the back of the dining hall, unappreciated and alone.

“There’s always somebody in here watching SportsCenter,” said the TV, holding back tears. “But some days are just so busy, and nobody wants to watch me.”

The shunned 54″ JVC went on to say that he wished more students from other extracurricular backgrounds utilized his services.

“‘Dog Day Afternoon’ is on AMC for the film kids, ‘Good Morning America’ for the journalists, and I’m even airing Apple commercials all day long on TBS for the marketing students,” the TV exclaimed. “I don’t want to be on ESPN all day long, especially when the jocks aren’t here!”

At press time, the TV was anxiously waiting for the dinner rush.

Student Blatantly Admits He’s Running For Class President Solely To Boost Resume

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By: Malcolm Kelner

An Emerson junior running for class president for next year has blatantly admitted to doing so for the sole purpose of boosting his resume.

In a Facebook event cheekily entitled, “Vote Ryan Schmidt for Class of 2016 Fearless Leader (Class President)!” the marketing major Schmidt outlined his platform for the election.

“I’m running for Class President because I deeply care about the Emerson Community I’m so proud to be a part of,” the page description reads.

“If elected, I would listen intently to all my peers with concerns about school issues that need addressing, work with the SGA to help cut down on the red tape that prevents many reforms from being made, and most importantly, I’d have a killer byline on my resume that would likely improve my job prospects coming out of college. Just being honest.”

“How great would it be if we had a dining hall that we all looked forward to going to instead of the opposite?” the event description continued. “Many class presidents before me have made empty promises about it, but I’d do my best to make that happen. Also, how great would it be if I could differentiate myself from other graduates applying for the same marketing jobs by having something on my resume that showed strong leadership qualities, a penchant for creating positive change, and respect from my peers? I mean, all things being equal academically between someone else and me, you’ve got to think a company’s marketing department or a general marketing firm would choose a class president of his college over someone that wasn’t.”

“I’m not saying it would make me a lock for every job right away, but it certainly wouldn’t hurt, right? Be sure to go online from March 25th at midnight to March 26th at midnight on vote.emerson.edu and vote for Ryan Schmidt! Thanks everyone! :)”

At press time, straw polls had Schmidt as the projected winner with a majority of five out of the nine votes expected to be cast.