Emerson Welcome Desk Assistants Basically Being Paid To Spread Germs And Smile


In extensive studies performed by this publication, it has been proven that the Emerson Welcome Desk Assistants are pretty much being paid to spread germs and smile.

In the latest job postings on ECommon, the Welcome Desk Assistant was highlighted as, “the ideal job on campus. But also the most misunderstood position,” and “the perfect position to spread that famous Emerson Pride.”

Most Emersonians pass the housing department employees, have their card tapped, and not give a second thought. However, there’s more to the job than meets the eye. No, but literally, because the naked eye can’t see bacterial microorganisms.

“Our job is not just tapping cards and sitting behind a desk. We do other things, like spread germs. And dammit–we do it with a big ol’ grin on our faces,” reported sophomore Piano Row ‘DA’ Vanessa Jetton.

The average student ID has about 100,000 pathogens on its surface, something passed back and forth thousands of times on campus daily. Desk assistants go through orientation-style training in which said DAs are taught how to properly flash a smile and, of course, spread filth through hand-to-ID-to-hand contact.

“Woah, woah, woah,” said Albert Hobbs, RA in the Little Building to a resident whom hadn’t washed his hands in 40+ hours. “I need you to take your ID out of your wallet.”

This strict policy requires DAs to physically take the card and tap it on the designated scanner themselves. The housing department also emphasizes that the exchange must last a solid five seconds, as to avoid the pesky ‘five second rule’. The first two seconds after a friendly exchange featuring a smile between resident and desk assistant are dedicated to physical contact.

“This is where we get most of the grime,” said Hobbs, who has been serving on the front lines of Emerson College residence halls since last spring. The middle two and a half second period is perhaps the most crucial. The contact made between the card and the scanner is what makes Emerson College the nation’s only four-year college devoted exclusively to the study of communication and performing arts and spreading of microorganisms via student ID cards.

“It’s moments like these that we really earn our money. It’s a tough job but hey—somebody’s gotta do it!” quipped Hobbs.

After the contaminated piece of plastic that all students are required to have on them while on campus has successfully been scraped upon the surface in which every other Emersonian’s respective piece has fondled, a good DA “will grasp ‘er with [his or her] sweaty mitts real good” while handing it back to the student. “Have a nice day!” The resident yelled to Albert in response to his toothy grin as he clicked the elevator button that had also been touched by literally hundreds of Emerson students just this morning.

“No more of this ‘run by and flash your wallet near the desk BS’,” said Emerson Police chief Robert Smith. “We want to ensure security is enforced to the fullest extent of school policy, and encourage the spread of microorganisms that will potentially cause disease among our student populous.”

“We care about our students,” Smith continued. “The last thing we need is somebody wandering off the streets into our residence halls, unidentified, keeping his bacteria to himself.”

President Lee Pelton also addressed the media earlier this academic year.

“This is one of the nicest parts of having such a diverse student body. Every young adult who I meet has a different background and something new to offer to the world,” Pelton said while smiling in true welcoming Emerson fashion. “These kids have come from all over the world to be here,” Pelton paused to sneeze into his hand.

“What I’m trying to say is; I literally have no clue where these kids have been. And I shook all 1,000 of their hands in about 14 minutes.”

At press time, veteran Desk Assistant Edgardo Watson was accepting a dare to lick the card scanner.

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