Piano Row Suite ‘Just Too Tired’ To Attend Roxbury Party

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By: Sam Evans

Siting an extreme and sudden wave of lethargy as the driving factor behind the decision, a Piano Row suite of six freshman girls confirmed late Friday afternoon that they would not be attending an upper classman’s party in Roxbury, the ethnically diverse neighborhood of Boston.

“We had been looking forward to this party all week. But now, out of nowhere, we are just too tired,” said Allie Monahan, a native of middle-of-nowhere-suburban-New Jersey.

“It’s a shame, because we all agreed how much we would love the area, especially since I participated in the recent protests.”

A confirmed Lion’s Tooth investigation showed Roxbury’s Wiki page in the browser of Monahan’s MacBook Air. The search showed up in her history at about 3:30, just 30 minutes before the suite’s announcement.

“I just want to emphasize how much we love Roxbury and it’s history. I mean, a lot of people probably don’t know Malcolm X was born there,” said Taylor Stevens, a native of who-the-hell-cares, Rhode Island.

“Believe me, if we had the energy, we’d be there right now. And we would probably be talking to the locals.”

At press time, the entire P-Row suite was seen taking an Uber Black Car to a more chill, low-key “hangout” in Beacon Hill.

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