Miniature-Sized Mountain Climbers Hike Steep Walker Building Desk

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By Charlie Greenwald

A recent duo of backpacking mountaineers apparently hiked the summit of a Walker Building desk, according to multiple reports. The two began their journey at approximately 7:05 in the morning, and finished at around 11:42, just as a History of Jazz class was finishing.

“We’re very excited,” said Lars Dekker, one of the hikers. “We come from a group of tiny people who live in the walls of Boylston Place. Every year, fellow hiker Arnold Jones and I climb a Walker Building desk, and this year we did it in record time.”

Many Emerson students complain about the fact that the desks around campus are too narrow, and that they are annoyingly angled downward, so many binders and folders slide downward or off the desk. But one-inch tall Dekker and two-inch tall Jones, however, embrace the 48.7 centimeter incline on the desks. They noted that it makes for a miniature climber’s dreamscape.

“The conditions are rough, but that’s why we love it,” Jones exclaimed from the very top of the desk. “When we’re done, we all just slide down and get a bite to eat at Griddler’s.”

At press time, several of the thimble-sized folk were heading back into their quarters, cheering and whooping it up with the rats who also inhabit the space in the walls.

Campus Braces Itself Amid Facebook Updates Of Freshman’s Final Paper

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By: Malcolm Kelner

The entire Emerson student body is bracing itself as freshman Taylor Kraus continues to post Facebook updates on how he’s doing writing the final paper for his Research Writing class.

“5 pages done, 5 to go. Ohhhhh we’re halfway thereeee,” quipped one of Kraus’s 17 statuses in the last 4 hours.

Despite Kraus’s cautious optimism, the rest of the school isn’t quite sold.

“I don’t know if he can do it,” said nervous senior McKenna Donovan. “He only has until 1 PM to hand it in, and according to his last status, he had to start over with a different prompt option not that long ago.”

“Yeah, he’s fucked,” echoed junior Tyler Carlson, who cancelled his prior plans for the afternoon in order to sit at his computer and wait to hear the news as it happens. “But hey, I’m rooting for the kid.”

At press time, Kraus had just posted a status bitching about ECwireless.

Update: Every “Bright Lights” Screening Will Now Feature Digitally-Inserted Paul Walker

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Riding the wave of the changing times and attitudes in Hollywood, Emerson’s VMA department has made a daring, yet touching move, officially announcing that after this week, every Bright Lights Screening will now feature a digitally-inserted Paul Walker.

Classic films are scheduled to still be screened at the quaint and comfortable theater – including The Bridge on the River Kwai, Chinatown, and North by Northwest – but will now feature the chiseled actor’s likeness. Noting the billion dollar box-office success of Furious 7 – the first film to utilize a digital Paul Walker—several professors have come forward to address the motives of this initiative.

“We really feel that this is the direction that the industry is headed – and we want to be a part of that,” noted adjunct professor Ken Frendak. “You can’t get this experience at Full Sail, that’s for sure!”

Several students have commented on the boldness of the department’s actions, questioning the necessity of adding the recently deceased actor’s pixelated image to so many iconic films.

“It’s a little weird to see the guy from the Fast and Furious franchise riding beside Ron Howard in American Graffitti… and yet, maybe if it was Vin Diesel, I’d feel a little differently,” critiqued Thom Davison ’17.

At press time, several members of the VMA faculty were seen reviewing curriculum materials for the new course, “Topic In Media Studies: Understanding the Digital Paul Walker.”

With Summer On Its Way, “Free & For Sale” Becomes Optimal Shopping Experience

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By: Becca Mayo

While there are a few students who have been able to make a buck or two off of brand-name clothing on the popular Emerson Facebook group, “Free & For Sale,” a majority of students are feeling pretty dejected.

“I just can’t believe no one wants to buy the Victoria’s Secret underwear I posted!” complained freshman Kayla Fisher. “They’d only been worn once, but I did wash them!”

Some other pieces that weren’t feeling the love included a pair of leggings with a small but obvious hole in the crotch, two-year-old Asics tennis shoes that had braced a couple of marathons, and a plaid blazer with shoulder pads circa 1986.

“The style of an Emerson student is so distinct and creative that I really thought my vintage hand-embroidered poncho from the Civil War era would get a lot of offers,” said junior Kimberly Smith.

After a full 48 hours of no requests to try the unique piece on, Smith decided to post the poncho for a second time because it wasn’t peak Facebook hours when she had originally uploaded it. She also added “OBO” after the asking price this time, but, still, the only engagement the post got were sarcastic likes from a few of her friends.

Clearly, students know that instead of donating clothing and items to a local charity for people in need, it’s imperative that they sell their unopened boxes of k-cups and granola bars at 50 cents a pop. Every cent counts when you’re trying to pay for boxes at the UPS store.

If you or anyone you know is able to spare a dollar or two on a package of ramen, half-priced Ben & Jerry’s pint bought in bulk from the Max, or any horrible-looking and unwanted clothing item in order to support these students and their dire shipping endeavors, head over to Free & For Sale today!

We Got Janet Plotka! Which Emerson Adjunct Professor Is Your Doppelgänger?

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Ever wondered which part-time professor on campus is your doppelgänger? OF COURSE YOU HAVE.

Beware of imitators who use faulty algorithms, at Lion’s Tooth we can guarantee a 98.7% match to your Emerson adjunct professor doppelgänger!

Simply send a profile picture to LionsToothEmerson@gmail.com and our team of experts will match you to your essay assigning lookalike!

(Please allow 6-8 weeks for analysis)

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Berkeley Beacon’s Earth-Shattering Report Reveals Emerson Has Diversity Problem

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By: Malcolm Kelner

As the main story in its April 23rd issue, the Berkeley Beacon revealed an earth-shattering report based on last semester’s first ever climate survey that shows Emerson College has a problem with a lack of diversity.

The explosive report saturated with really neat bar graphs revealed that, amazingly, Emerson students say they value diversity, but incredibly, find Emerson’s pathetic, whitewashed level of “diversity” among the student body and staff lacking, while shockingly, by virtue of its small and under-represented campus demographic, the black student population doesn’t feel the same sense of belonging as the general student population, and astonishingly, the same black population feels the administration isn’t concerned as much about its welfare.

Only one word can sum up such shocking findings: Wow.

“I had to do a double-take when I saw this report,” said junior Rachel Wilson. “Before I thought Emerson had a really racially and socio-economically diverse and satisfied student body, and that we weren’t nearly all white and upper-middle class or wealthy, but I guess not.”

“No, really, I swear I read the Berkeley Beacon.”

At press time, the Berkeley Beacon was preparing their next big exposé: ‘The majority of students are unsatisfied with the DH.’