Freshman Alternative Music Aficionado Shocked To Find Out No One Else In Suite Has Heard Of Sweden’s Death Trap Heavy Metal Band “Goatlord”

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By: Sam Evans

“Any Goatlord fans in here?” began freshman music aficionado Tyler Wellback, whose well documented lineage traces to back to some ordinary, not very interesting country in Western Europe.

“Really? No Goatlord fans?” he continued.

After a resounding pause from all five suitemates of the Little Building suite, one finally spoke up.

“I think I’ve heard some of their stuff,” said freshman journalism major Brian Wright.

Wright later told a Lion’s Tooth reporter he had zero knowledge of the apparent Swedish death trap heavy metal band and was simply throwing Wellback a bone so he would shut his god damn mouth.

The verbal harassment, unfortunately, did not stop there.

“What do you guys even listen to?” continued Wellback. “Goatlord is only my third favorite Euro alt-rock-death band. Surely you’ve heard of my top two, Satanic Slaughter and Vomitery.”

Wright was again the one to speak up. “I’m more of a hip hop fan,” he said.

At press time, a self-righteous Wellback went on to explain his hip hop knowledge, highlighted by an interpretation of every song on Kendrick Lamar’s new album, “To Pimp a Butterfly.”

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