BREAKING: Emerson Sorority Sister Sighted Apart From Best Friend


By: Malcolm Kelner

BREAKING NEWS — An Emerson sorority sister has reportedly been sighted apart from her best friend.

Sophomore Erica Sanderson, a sister in the AEPhi sorority, was sighted by multiple sources eating by herself in the dining hall this afternoon while her best friend and fellow AEPhi sister, sophomore Rachel Daniels, was nowhere to be found.

This news came as a tremendous surprise, as the two students live in the same room, take all four of the same classes, work the same part-time job, and go to all the same parties and other off-campus events. In other words, they literally never fucking separate from each others’ presences all day.

“When I saw Erica alone in the DH, I thought, ‘Oh, Rachel must just be waiting in line at the grill for her food or something,'” said baffled onlooker Parker Gulla, “but a good twenty minutes later, she never showed up at the table. I had no idea this could happen.”

Biology experts we consulted also expressed their amazement at the occurrence and casted doubt on the event, despite the numerous eyewitnesses.

“So you’re telling me that these two ladies weren’t in the same room for an extended period of time? Doubt it,” proclaimed MIT biology professor Theodore Cieslowski.

“Despite appearing to have separate bodies, Erica and Rachel are, for all intents and purposes, thoraco-omphalopagus conjoined twins. They are completely reliant on the other half for physical and mental function, and separation would be incredibly dangerous and maybe even deadly.”

While it does appear Sanderson and Daniels both survived the brief split against all odds, a Lion’s Tooth investigation into what caused it is ongoing.

At press time, the two girls were sighted safely back together in their Piano Row suite common room, where one of them just posted a BuzzFeed link on the other one’s Facebook.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s