Emerson Girl Walking In Common Alone At Night Sent Emergency Unicorn By ECPD


By Charlie Greenwald

Feeling it was their duty to protect the students through whatever means necessary, the Emerson College Police Department sent an Emergency Unicorn last night to protect a freshman girl who was walking through the Boston Common park alone.

“That’s what we’re here for,” said ECPD’s Officer Colin Connelly. “To protect the students and their well-being through whatever means necessary, be that medical amnesty, a CPR lesson, or, in this case, an Emergency Unicorn.”

The student saved by the legendary animal, Cassandra Monaghan, said she was heading home around 1:19 AM from a friend’s house in Beacon Hill. She was apparently studying for a History of Jazz exam with her classmate before she decided to leave and get a taxi. After waiting for a cab for several minutes, Smith felt bold enough to walk home through the Boston Common, but called ECPD after seeing creepy men and rabid animals throughout the terrace.

“I couldn’t find a cab, and the MBTA was shut down, so I started to just go for it,” Monaghan recounted to Lion’s Tooth. “But after I heard mysterious voices in the distance from people in the park, I knew I couldn’t walk home on my own.”

That’s when Monaghan called ECPD. She was expecting a police officer in uniform or a taxi cab to pick her up at the edge of the park, but instead was greeted within seconds by the majestic creature, much to her enthusiasm.

“I hopped on and it took me home in no time, just like a dream,” said Monaghan. “The Commons are usually safe, but for these kind of nights, when I feel like I may be in danger, I now know exactly where to turn.”

When asked about the expense of the new Emergency Unicorn program, ECPD insisted that the program wasn’t very expensive.

“The brand new program is exceptionally cost-effective,” ECPD spokesperson Bill Regan claimed. “Plus, we’re able to feed, groom, play, and properly train the Unicorns when we have some down time during the day.”

At press time, Emerson College representatives were reportedly consulting with Boston College’s Security Team about the implementation of live centaurs to guard their Chestnut Hill campus.

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