Stoner Inconsolable After He Loses Umbrella, Joint Melts In Rain


By Charlie Greenwald

Hoping to take in the festivities on 4/20, a local Emerson pothead was truly crushed when his umbrella flew away in the wind and his joint began to deliquesce before his very eyes.

“Oh God,” screamed junior Bart Hayes. “NO! Please, no!”

Sources say that Hayes was trying to smoke whilst shielding himself from the pounding precipitation when he lost control of the parasol, which flew completely out of sight within a span of six seconds. The communication disorders major was then seen weeping alone in the Boston Common at around 4:19, just one minute shy from meeting the exact time of the ganja tradition.

“Everybody else was whooping it up at the Marathon,” Hayes lamented. “I couldn’t just go back to Paramount and roll another one. That would take the magic out of it.”

At press time, Hayes was last seen with several friends at the C-Store, where he gathered a shoebox full of Tostitos tortilla chips and salsa.

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