By Jeremy Vandroff and Charlie Greenwald
After a lengthy and exhaustive search, Lee Pelton and the Emerson Graduation Committee were proud to announce that this year’s commencement address will be given by the Didgeridoo Guy.
“At Emerson College, we have a proud history of skilled orators,” Pelton mused at a packed press conference filled with eager students and staff. “That’s why we’ve handpicked The Didgeridude to give this year’s commencement address to graduating seniors.”
The Didgeridoo Guy has an impressive resume. Born on a naval base in Monte Carlo, he was self-taught in all arenas of academia. At the age of nine, his thesis on the impact of Oedipus Rex on the Greek economy won high praise from European intellectuals. By age 11, he handcrafted his first didgeridoo out of sugar cane leaves and bamboo shoots. He spent his early adult years studying around the globe and reading poetry in coffee houses.
“Didgeridoo Guy is awesome,” said senior MacKenzie Williams. “The other day, after he asked me for a dollar, we ended up chatting about the timelessness of Brideshead Revisited.”
A Lion’s Tooth insider has obtained information that the much-hyped speech, which will focus on the challenges of millennial selfhood within a depleting economy, will be titled, “The Didgeridoo’s and Don’ts of Post-Graduate Life.”
At press time, the Didgeridude was being trampled over by a throng of elderly women, who were exiting an evening performance of Dirty Dancing at the Colonial Theater.