Real-Life Cowboys Fight As “Western Night” At DH Goes Terribly Wrong


By: Malcolm Kelner & Charlie Greenwald

What started off as a brilliant and innocuous plan by Sodexo for a Western-themed dinner at the Dining Hall this evening turned seriously unsettling as a fight erupted between hordes of real cowboys that were hired for the festivities.

“I was sitting down enjoying some chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes, and cornbread while listening to some nice live music, just having a good time, and all of a sudden I heard yelling and screaming,” said panicked freshman Emily Sarpino.

Sources tell us the trouble started when one of the gunslingers perusing the dining hall called another one a “no-good mama’s boy,” at which point the latter cowboy pulled out his revolver and started firing.

A full-blown gun battle erupted between the 15 or so cowboys on hand, several of which were atop horseback. No cowboys perished in the melee, but sources tell us that five of the them are currently being treated at Mass General for arm and leg injuries.

“I was digging the whole Western theme,” said sophomore Jamie Richardson. “The food was surprisingly really good and it was cute how all the workers wore cowboy hats, but I think they took it too far by renting out real-life cowboys for this.”

While he was also troubled by shootings, Emerson’s Sodexo manager Bob St. Peter disagreed.

“All in all, Western Night was a success, y’all,” St. Peter proclaimed. “The squabble between the ‘boys was a damn shame but the students seemed to think it was a hootin’ and hollerin’ time. Man, did that jalapeño cornbread hit the spot. Yee haw!”

In a mass e-mail to the school, President Lee Pelton echoed those sentiments, but still kept his usual professional tone.

“Western Night certainly did not exactly turn out as planned, but we as an administration have no regrets,” Pelton wrote. “I have gone on the record with my strong stance on gun control, and I stand by that. I want to keep the theme for next year, but perhaps in the future, they can just beat the crap out of each other for our entertainment.”

At press time, Sodexo was planning out Ratatouille night, in which rodents would help prepare the food, and of course, roam free in the back room.

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