Kid in Summer Session is Totally Having Sex With Girls From His Classes But You Probably Don’t Know Any of Them

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By Jeremy Vandroff

Kevin Phillips, a sophomore VMA major who stayed in Boston to take some summer courses, is totally having sex with several girls from his “Women in American Literature” class this summer, but you probably don’t know any of them.

“I was super pumped when I walked in the classroom for the first time, because there were definitely a bunch of chicks who are  just my type,” reported Phillips, who’s only previously known type was his junior year high school girlfriend.

“It’s just too bad none of my buddies know who they are, because they would definitely be jealous.”

According to Phillips, his courtship of the young ladies began when he introduced himself on the first day of class, and explained how a fun fact about him was that he knows a guy who was a PA on “Avengers: Age of Ultron.”

“They were all pretty impressed, for sure,” Phillips recalled.

From there, it was just a matter of time before these beautiful classmates of his fell for the scrawny aspiring auteur from Cleveland. The hookups have purportedly been both spontaneous, and legendary.

When pressed for details on the young ladies, Phillips explained that he unfortunately could not provide any.

“They’re totally random chicks, you wouldn’t know them. I think they’re like Communication Disorders majors or something.”

When Lion’s Tooth pointed out perhaps Phillips could track some of the co-eds down on social media, Phillips sighed and explained that most of them had deleted their Facebook accounts because they’re hipsters who resisted conformity… making them all the hotter.

At press time, every girl in Phillips’ class was apparently transferring to NYU or something next semester.

Lee Pelton Ascends To Heaven Following Commencement Speech

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By: Malcolm Kelner

President Lee Pelton has always been a popular figure through his first four years at Emerson College, but on Monday afternoon he pulled off his most impressive move yet.

Following an inspiring closing address at the undergraduate commencement ceremony filled with his usual mix of eloquence and wit, Pelton looked out at the crowd, winked, and started levitating upwards, breaking through the roof and ascending all the way into heaven.

“It was pretty cool,” said senior marketing major Josh Embers. “Rumor was that he’d have a special surprise at the end of his speech, and I’d say this probably lived up to that.”

Students, families, and other attendees alike let out a deafening roar of applause following Pelton’s incredible stunt, and broke into a chant of, “Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee!”

“That’s just Lee being Lee,” said senior film major Jackie Gonzalez with an assuring laugh. “Everyone was expecting Robin Roberts to be the highlight of the day and then he totally upstages her. Just another thing to show why he’s the best president ever!”

While the move was breathtaking and made the commencement truly one to remember, the school now faces a lot of uncertainty about where to go from here.

“Honestly I’m not sure if he even plans on coming back,” said rattled Vice President for Communications and Marketing Andy Tiedemann. “I checked his office and it’s basically empty of all important items besides a check he signed on his desk for a million dollars with ‘Busted Roof’ in the notes, so I’m not exactly sure what’s going on.”

“The school is waiting for my mass e-mail and I have no idea what to say.”

At press time, Pelton was seen giving God an honorary Emerson degree.

Crestfallen Screenwriter, Not Nominated For An EVVY, Alone At “Hot Pursuit”

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By Charlie Greenwald

Crushed junior Cal Vogt, who wasn’t nominated for an EVVY this year, was apparently the only person at the AMC Loews 6:15 showing of “Hot Pursuit,” the buddy comedy film starring Reese Witherspoon and Sofia Vergara.

“I need something to make me laugh and cheer me up, so I had to settle for this,” Vogt sighed. “It’s better than being at that stupid awards show, watching somebody else scoop up what should be MY AWARD!”

A Writing for Film and Television major, Vogt paid the required fee and submitted himself to the EVVY Awards selection committee, hoping to be nominated for penning the BFA film “Goblins and Dwarves.” Although Vogt claims his script “”would have made Ridley Scott weep,” the EVVY Awards opted to nominate other candidates, who also had submitted perfectly fine work.

“It’s bullshit, seriously,” Vogt howled while grabbing a slushie. “Whatever – this movie looks solid. Who doesn’t love a ragtag duo?”

Vogt was unfazed by the fact that he was alone in the theater, instead saying that the “peace and quiet” would do him some good.

At press time, the EVVY awards were also getting underway, with hundreds in attendance.

Students Amazed At Their Ability To Earn 4.0 GPA At Arts School

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By: Becca Mayo

Final grades have officially been posted, and Emerson freshmen and seniors alike have taken to Facebook to boast their scholastic achievements, since getting straight A’s as a musical theatre major is quite an arduous endeavor.

Freshman Visual Media Arts major Eric McMurray boasted his A- in both Foundations of Film and History of Media Arts 2 on Facebook along with the comment, “Pfff, and people told me college would be difficult. Ha! #killinit.”

According to the comments on his eCommon screenshot, Eric’s grandmother, aunt, and mother were all “incredibly proud” of him and his “achievements.”

Between crew calls, NCAA Divison III sports, acting in student films, and complaining about the Dining Hall’s food, students left themselves with a minuscule amount of time to prepare for their final exams in some of the more strenuous classes Emerson offers, such as Listening to Music.

A quick poll done by Lion’s Tooth found a consensus among students of all ages that they are most thankful to God for the grades they studied for and earned.

Senior Writing, Literature, and Publishing major Bridget Karros reportedly posted this comment along with her straight A’s: “Wow. I’m truly in awe. Even with all the time I set aside to study, and all the weekends I spent in the library working on projects instead of going out, I know I never would’ve gotten these grades had it not been for my faith in God. There’s no way I could’ve done this on my own. Feeling so thankful and blessed.”

At press time, students who, obviously, didn’t receive straight A’s were seen complaining on Facebook about everyone else posting their grades.

AMBER Alert Issued For Latest Victim Of Boston Winds

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By: Kyle Becker

This is an AMBER Alert.

Schools all across the greater Boston area have vacated for the summer, yet sadly, there’s been zero luck in the case of missing Emerson College sophomore Culinary major, Lorenzo Influenzo.

Lorenzo was last seen late in April, traversing the side of the street via Hubway, when a wind tunnel caught steam, flooring the bike, catapulting him into eternal ascension over southbound buildings.

“Its such a shame man. He was just telling me about how next year was his year,” proclaimed his roommate and translator Jack Ganley. “He had been devising a coup—a coup against Meatless Mondays, a good one at that!”

Originally a Venetian native, Lorenzo was awarded a full-ride grant to Emerson in the summer of ’13, given to the most extraordinary foreign mind. Although he was 28 years old, with no scholarly experience apart from Bobby Flay instructional cassette tapes, it was rumored his submission vid opened the eyes of higher-ups.

“The city is a dangerous place, man, that’s for sure,” said flustered ECPD Chief Bob Smith. “You know, we tell every student, toss a lil’ cement in them shoes. Few pounds never hurt the kids.”

Still, the disappearance is odd, as more sources have come forward revealing Influenzo was severely bankrupt, frequently bumming DH swipes at knifepoint. Above all, this means he’d never been able to front Hubway’s binding security deposit.

This raises some interesting questions. One can only guess what is really going on behind the facade. Looking back, you never know with these types of phenomena. Was it deliberate? Planned? Faked even? Did Lorenzo Influenzo ever even study at Emerson College? These are the kinds of questions only God or Lee Pelton could answer.

We repeat, this is an AMBER alert. If you have any leads as to his whereabouts, please contact the Italian Embassy immediately. For some crime-related reason, they appear to want him more than we do.

The fateful night was two weeks ago but ECPD called off their search after only 45 minutes. Now we need your help in locating our lost family member. It’s up to you now to spread this message. He had such a bright future.

At press time, a moment of silence was underway, honoring the 100th victim of the Boylston Tremont intersection.

Seniors Celebrate A Great Four Years, $175,000 Out The Window

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By: Malcolm Kelner

Emerson’s 2015 senior class is in the midst of a great week filled with good times, great memories, and $175,000 officially out the window.

“Senior Week has been so much fun so far,” said journalism major Sarah Burns. “The top of the Taj was a blast. Boston is beautiful at night, I’m going to miss this city.”

What Burns didn’t mention is that by the end of Commencement on Monday night, she will have, for all intents and purposes, lit nearly 200 grand on fire in exchange for essentially a glorified vocational degree in which she learned far more from her extracurriculars and internships than from her classes.

“The booze cruise has been my favorite part so far, but everything’s been really emotional reminiscing with my friends from freshman year,” said musical theater major Eliza Cherington as she wiped a tear from her eye. “It’s starting to come full circle for me.”

Cherington has more than one reason to cry. She might as well have taken a suitcase chock-full of stacks of hundreds onto the cruise ship with her, wrapped a weighted chain around it, and tossed it over the edge into the depths of the Boston Harbor, because the chances of her extremely specific degree paying off are, quite frankly, pretty slim.

“These are my brothers ’til the end,” slurred WLP major Luke Kendalson, with both his arms around fellow drunk members of his recently banished fraternity. “I’m gonna remember this night for the rest of my life.”

That may or may not be the case, but Kendalson will certainly remember the night for at least the next decade, because that’s about how long it’s going to take him to pay off the massive loans he had to take out because of Emerson’s stingy and pathetic level of financial aid grants.

At press time, the entire senior class was being phone called by the school to donate to their alma mater.

EVVYs Guy Ruling Deserted Campus With Iron Fist

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By: Malcolm Kelner

EVVYs assistant video producer Zach Templeton has tragically allowed his elite position to go to his head and is ruling over the lawless anarchy of post-finals Emerson with an iron fist.

“The entire Colonial Building has been conquered,” the sophomore triumphantly announced to a small handful of confused students in the dining hall this afternoon.

“We have closed in on Piano Row, and it won’t be long until we have the manpower to expand my empire all the way to Paramount… if we feeling like making that whole commute.”

Templeton has reportedly been leading missions through each dormitory building with a group of students all wearing EVVYs 34 shirts and lanyard name tags, some also toting walkie talkies clipped to their belts–so you know they’re official.

Sources add that during these missions, the army pillages the common rooms and hallways, claiming fans, refrigerators, lamps, and other items the earlier departing students failed at selling in Free & For Sale. When the group encounters other students left in the ghost towns, Templeton offers them the chance to join his army or die.

“Pelton will be overthrown,” Templeton wrote in a intimidatory mass e-mail he sent from Andy Tiedemann’s iPad, stolen at boom pole-point earlier in the day. “You won’t believe what happens next. It will shock you.”

At press time, Templeton was gleefully updating his resume to include his EVVYs experience.