Unidentified Guy Exits DH With Duffle Bag Stuffed With Bananas

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By Charlie Greenwald

A man dressed in all black entered and exited the Little Building Dining Hall today with a duffle bag filled with bananas, according to multiple sources.

“He just came in and took every banana we had,” said Sodexo employee Sam Kratky. “He fit like 50 of them in there… it truly was bananas just how many of those things he stole.”

Junior Sage Herbertsen was in the DH when everything went down. According to Herbertsen, the sly individual entered and exited the premises from 12:05 to 12:09 PM. Nobody noticed that any bananas had been stolen until 2 or 3 students went over to the banana bin and found absolutely nothing there. Herbertsen was the only one who remembers seeing the shadowy figure enter.

“This is surely not this person’s first time,” said Detective LeRoy Covington. “We’re on the case and we’ll make sure this bandit never steals any of the DH’s precious fruits again.”

At press time, a mysterious woman cloaked in gray was seen stealing several cups from the DH, shoving them into her backpack and walking out like nothing about her clandestine deed was bad.

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