Massive Traffic Jam Halts Commute Outside Piano Row Elevators

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A frantic student body hyped up on Red Bull and a crazy Reading Day all across campus caused massive pile-ups in every dormitory across campus, including Piano Row, where a large traffic jam stalled residential commutes.

“I couldn’t get in or out for like 30 minutes,” said student Ben Vuela, jacked up on Adderall. “I had to climb through the windows to access my History of Jazz textbook.”

Finals week certainly cause a lot of stress at Emerson, and the traffic jams don’t help. Many students are running all over campus, and need constant access to their rooms to access paper, study guides, and laptops, among other things. Sources say that an unfortunate collision involving a Hummer and a move-out cart caused delays in Piano Row.

“This is the worst intersection of all time,” said student Leah Tyler. “Everybody’s bumping into one another, despite the mirror. It is no help.”

At press time, ECPD was sending an officer to each building to help direct traffic.

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