RA Finds A Man, Dart Board, Stolen Museum Painting, And Snake In Common Room After Move-Outs

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The Piano Row RA staff was wrapping up move-outs when one of them found a man, a Russian dart board, a legendary painting stolen from the Isabella Stewart Gardner museum, and a green snake all sitting in the common room, presumably disposed of by students in the building.

“It was a lot to handle,” said RA Jillian Tormos. “They don’t train you for this shit.”

Many students leave items in the common rooms that they cannot sell and do not want to bring home for the summer, like clothes, bed sheets, and towels, as well as, apparently, dart boards and living animals. The dart board, which had the Russian flag insignia emblazoned on the face, had no name attached to it. The snake, which was identified as a Brazilian green snapper, was also found without a cage or a collar to its name.

“We have no idea where the snake came from, but ECPD is working now with Securitas to contain it,” said Residence Director Joanne Shikowitz. “As for the dart board, we’re crushing it now…. and by crushing it, I mean we brought it to the office and we’re having a blast taking turns throwing.”

The man found in the common room was identified as Millard Kulner, a junior on the baseball team who overslept after helping move someone out early in the morning.

“He just slept the fuck in,” said Sam Grau, head of the Office of Housing and Residence Life. “If he doesn’t pick up and leave, well, facilities might just dispose of him, because damn it, these RA’s need to leave.”

Finally, the painting, which was identified as “The Storm on the Sea of Galilee,” a Rembrandt van Rijn classic once bequeathed to the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum but stolen in 1990, has been handed off to its rightful place, inside the halls of Lee Pelton’s office.

“We felt it would be safest here,” said administrative assistant Randy Luggman.

At press time, Lee Pelton was combing throw the piles of left over nick-knacks and garbage left by the 14th floor trash room for anything good.

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