By: Malcolm Kelner
EVVYs assistant video producer Zach Templeton has tragically allowed his elite position to go to his head and is ruling over the lawless anarchy of post-finals Emerson with an iron fist.
“The entire Colonial Building has been conquered,” the sophomore triumphantly announced to a small handful of confused students in the dining hall this afternoon.
“We have closed in on Piano Row, and it won’t be long until we have the manpower to expand my empire all the way to Paramount… if we feeling like making that whole commute.”
Templeton has reportedly been leading missions through each dormitory building with a group of students all wearing EVVYs 34 shirts and lanyard name tags, some also toting walkie talkies clipped to their belts–so you know they’re official.
Sources add that during these missions, the army pillages the common rooms and hallways, claiming fans, refrigerators, lamps, and other items the earlier departing students failed at selling in Free & For Sale. When the group encounters other students left in the ghost towns, Templeton offers them the chance to join his army or die.
“Pelton will be overthrown,” Templeton wrote in a intimidatory mass e-mail he sent from Andy Tiedemann’s iPad, stolen at boom pole-point earlier in the day. “You won’t believe what happens next. It will shock you.”
At press time, Templeton was gleefully updating his resume to include his EVVYs experience.