Seniors Celebrate A Great Four Years, $175,000 Out The Window

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By: Malcolm Kelner

Emerson’s 2015 senior class is in the midst of a great week filled with good times, great memories, and $175,000 officially out the window.

“Senior Week has been so much fun so far,” said journalism major Sarah Burns. “The top of the Taj was a blast. Boston is beautiful at night, I’m going to miss this city.”

What Burns didn’t mention is that by the end of Commencement on Monday night, she will have, for all intents and purposes, lit nearly 200 grand on fire in exchange for essentially a glorified vocational degree in which she learned far more from her extracurriculars and internships than from her classes.

“The booze cruise has been my favorite part so far, but everything’s been really emotional reminiscing with my friends from freshman year,” said musical theater major Eliza Cherington as she wiped a tear from her eye. “It’s starting to come full circle for me.”

Cherington has more than one reason to cry. She might as well have taken a suitcase chock-full of stacks of hundreds onto the cruise ship with her, wrapped a weighted chain around it, and tossed it over the edge into the depths of the Boston Harbor, because the chances of her extremely specific degree paying off are, quite frankly, pretty slim.

“These are my brothers ’til the end,” slurred WLP major Luke Kendalson, with both his arms around fellow drunk members of his recently banished fraternity. “I’m gonna remember this night for the rest of my life.”

That may or may not be the case, but Kendalson will certainly remember the night for at least the next decade, because that’s about how long it’s going to take him to pay off the massive loans he had to take out because of Emerson’s stingy and pathetic level of financial aid grants.

At press time, the entire senior class was being phone called by the school to donate to their alma mater.

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