AMBER Alert Issued For Latest Victim Of Boston Winds


By: Kyle Becker

This is an AMBER Alert.

Schools all across the greater Boston area have vacated for the summer, yet sadly, there’s been zero luck in the case of missing Emerson College sophomore Culinary major, Lorenzo Influenzo.

Lorenzo was last seen late in April, traversing the side of the street via Hubway, when a wind tunnel caught steam, flooring the bike, catapulting him into eternal ascension over southbound buildings.

“Its such a shame man. He was just telling me about how next year was his year,” proclaimed his roommate and translator Jack Ganley. “He had been devising a coup—a coup against Meatless Mondays, a good one at that!”

Originally a Venetian native, Lorenzo was awarded a full-ride grant to Emerson in the summer of ’13, given to the most extraordinary foreign mind. Although he was 28 years old, with no scholarly experience apart from Bobby Flay instructional cassette tapes, it was rumored his submission vid opened the eyes of higher-ups.

“The city is a dangerous place, man, that’s for sure,” said flustered ECPD Chief Bob Smith. “You know, we tell every student, toss a lil’ cement in them shoes. Few pounds never hurt the kids.”

Still, the disappearance is odd, as more sources have come forward revealing Influenzo was severely bankrupt, frequently bumming DH swipes at knifepoint. Above all, this means he’d never been able to front Hubway’s binding security deposit.

This raises some interesting questions. One can only guess what is really going on behind the facade. Looking back, you never know with these types of phenomena. Was it deliberate? Planned? Faked even? Did Lorenzo Influenzo ever even study at Emerson College? These are the kinds of questions only God or Lee Pelton could answer.

We repeat, this is an AMBER alert. If you have any leads as to his whereabouts, please contact the Italian Embassy immediately. For some crime-related reason, they appear to want him more than we do.

The fateful night was two weeks ago but ECPD called off their search after only 45 minutes. Now we need your help in locating our lost family member. It’s up to you now to spread this message. He had such a bright future.

At press time, a moment of silence was underway, honoring the 100th victim of the Boylston Tremont intersection.

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