Lee Pelton Ascends To Heaven Following Commencement Speech

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By: Malcolm Kelner

President Lee Pelton has always been a popular figure through his first four years at Emerson College, but on Monday afternoon he pulled off his most impressive move yet.

Following an inspiring closing address at the undergraduate commencement ceremony filled with his usual mix of eloquence and wit, Pelton looked out at the crowd, winked, and started levitating upwards, breaking through the roof and ascending all the way into heaven.

“It was pretty cool,” said senior marketing major Josh Embers. “Rumor was that he’d have a special surprise at the end of his speech, and I’d say this probably lived up to that.”

Students, families, and other attendees alike let out a deafening roar of applause following Pelton’s incredible stunt, and broke into a chant of, “Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee!”

“That’s just Lee being Lee,” said senior film major Jackie Gonzalez with an assuring laugh. “Everyone was expecting Robin Roberts to be the highlight of the day and then he totally upstages her. Just another thing to show why he’s the best president ever!”

While the move was breathtaking and made the commencement truly one to remember, the school now faces a lot of uncertainty about where to go from here.

“Honestly I’m not sure if he even plans on coming back,” said rattled Vice President for Communications and Marketing Andy Tiedemann. “I checked his office and it’s basically empty of all important items besides a check he signed on his desk for a million dollars with ‘Busted Roof’ in the notes, so I’m not exactly sure what’s going on.”

“The school is waiting for my mass e-mail and I have no idea what to say.”

At press time, Pelton was seen giving God an honorary Emerson degree.

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