Rain-Drenched Freshman From Seattle In A Daze

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By Charlie Greenwald

After taking a good look at the forecast for this week, which includes the possibility of a hurricane this weekend, water-soaked freshman Turner Lyons was seen trudging through the streets of Boston, coming to terms with life as a series of endlessly rainy afternoons.

“It’s never-ending,” Turner groaned. “This is my existence.”

Several teachers were concerned about Lyons’ state. Professor Frankie Dreyfuss, a History of Jazz teacher, said she saw Turner look at the weather report and slip into a trance.

“I am deeply worried. We’re notifying the parents tomorrow,” said LeRoy Adams, a school administrator.

At press time, local meteorologist and Emerson Vice President of Communications and Marketing Andy Tiedemann was also seen in a delusional state, shopping at a supermarket and stocking up on supplies in preparation for the impending squall.

Journalism Major Desperately Asking People If They’ve Seen Recent USA Today Rankings

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By: Malcolm Kelner

An Emerson journalism major is desperately asking people if they’ve seen the recent USA Today rankings that rank Emerson as the top journalism college in the country.

“So… you see those rankings?” senior Kevin Burwell has reportedly asked at least 50 people so far, in a faux playful but actually completely sincere voice.

Sources say Burwell posted the link to the article on Facebook with the caption, “I’ll just leave this here…” within minutes of its publishing.

Since then, he has been aggressively starting conversations about it with non-Emerson students and Emersonians in other majors alike, making sure everyone saw the big news that seemed to validate his entire existence.

“You saw that, right? Northwestern? Nope. Syracuse? Overrated. Mizzou? Better luck next year,” he said to mostly blank responses.

“We’re the best!” he quickly added, less playfully this time.

At press time, Burwell was stressing out about finding a job in an extremely difficult and financially unrewarding field while having to pay back massive student loans.

This Freshman Went To All Three Days Of Boston Calling. Probably Feeling Pretty Bad About Yourself Now, Huh?

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By: Malcolm Kelner

Take a look at this freshman. Take a good, hard look.

You know what he did? He went to all three days of the Boston Calling concert at City Hall this weekend.

You’re probably feeling pretty bad about your boring-ass life now, huh?

Some people went to one day of the concert, and fewer people went to two days.

Not him.

He went to all three days. He saw the hottest alternative and indie rock bands out there right now, and had an amazing time with thousands of other other young, affluent white people.

Too bad you missed out.

No, he didn’t pay for the days à la carte. What do you think he is, some kind of idiot?

He got a three day pass–a three day VIP pass to be exact–for $375. Worth it.

What did YOU do over the weekend? Worked? Went to some stupid bar or Emerson party?

Didn’t see any Boston Calling footage on YOUR My Story, Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.

I saw it on his though.

You probably just want to crawl in a hole and disappear right now.

I get it. I really do. know I would too if I hadn’t been there every day myself.

Hey, we can’t all be him.

But at least, maybe for a minute, we can pretend.

ELA Student’s Internship Search Ends With Offer From Pornographic Film Studio

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By Charlie Greenwald

Despite the long, early-morning commute and the tedious tasks he is asked to do, senior film student Gregory Schaefer was said to be enjoying his internship at Unbuttoned Entertainment, a pornographic film company based out of Torrance, California.

“It’s a competitive internship market,” Schaefer said. “Luckily for me, something in production landed… but not where I expected.”

The work is consistent for Schaefer, who says he is “tirelessly helping out” on set. On a typical day, Schaefer assists the sound team with mixing, the lighting team with composition and focus, and occasionally does script coverage for hot specs such as Plumbing Problem and Pizza Delivery.

“I’m learning a lot about how these movies are made,” Schaefer mused. “It’s just like a regular film, but with complete nudity.”

Although his first day was only two days ago, the second-semester senior has already impressed everyone at the company with his work ethic and technical expertise.

“Gregory has been doing a terrific job here at Unbuttoned,” said Rocco Pincetti, a creative executive. “It’s always beneficial to have the perspective of a college student on set.”

Schaefer, a transfer from Boise State, initially came to Emerson with the aspiration to hone his craft and create low budget thriller films. He credits Emerson’s VMA program with challenging him to explore film genres outside his comfort zone.

“In this industry, you take work where you can get it,” Schaefer mused over a cup of coffee. “Everybody has got to start somewhere.”

When asked about what the Emerson Los Angeles internship faculty thinks of his internship, Schaefer deflected the conversation.

“If anyone from corporate asks, I am doing social media analysis for Jamba Juice in their Santa Monica office,” Schaeffer whispered.

At press time, Schaefer was last seen leaving for work on Cahuenga Boulevard, stuck in the middle of an insurmountable traffic jam.

Emerson Student Announces Pope Francis Is “Best Pope Ever”

Pope Francis gives his thumb up as he leaves at the end of his weekly general audience in St. Peter's square at the Vatican, Wednesday, Sept. 4, 2013. (AP Photo/Riccardo De Luca)

By: Malcolm Kelner

An Emerson student has announced that Pope Francis is the “best pope ever.”

Junior marketing major Lydia Barton made the big announcement this afternoon on Facebook, along with a BuzzFeed link about the Pope’s plans to cancel a visit with lawmakers in Washington D.C. and instead have lunch with 300 poor and homeless people.

“Francisssss,” Barton’s post read. “Best pope ever, I love him so much. Marry me lol”

This is reportedly the 17th such status the student has made to date about Pope Francis, each one following a different populist or progressive statement he has made.

In just a couple hours, this particular announcement has already sent major shockwaves through the Catholic Church and general population.

“Before, I certainly thought Pope Francis’s progressive moves were commendable, but he certainly hadn’t earned the merit of ‘best ever’ quite yet, said Harvard theology scholar Howard Friesen.

“Having said that, I expect what this student said to heavily sway the populace. I mean, did you see that status? Heck, I’m totally fine with saying Francis is easily the greatest pope of all time now.”

When reached for comment, Pope Francis told Barton to chill out and that he wasn’t interested.

Freshman Couple Cuts Off Long Distance P-Row/Paramount Relationship

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By: Malcolm Kelner

It’s a sad day for love, as an Emerson freshman couple has decided to break up after a once-promising but difficult long distance relationship between Piano Row and Paramount.

“I loved her so much, and probably still will for some time, but never being able to see each other has been really hard on both of us,” said teary-eyed marketing major and Piano Row resident Blake Campbell, who mutually parted ways with acting major and Paramount Center resident Marie Gonzalez over the weekend via phone call.

Gonzalez confirmed she had strong mutual feelings for Campbell, adding, “It’s really such a shame, but the luck of the Emerson housing draw didn’t swing our way so maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.”

Campbell and Gonzalez met during freshman orientation week in the “Hooray!” session in the Revere Hotel, and sources tell us the attraction was almost instant. However, both were crestfallen to learn that one lived in the Piano Row dorms and the other in the far off and seemingly lightyears away Paramount Center, an arduous .3 miles and 6-minute walk apart.

Despite the considerable distance obstacle, a factor which dooms many relationships all over the world, the young lovers were determined to make it work.

“I took a vacation over to Paramount to stay with her during Labor Day weekend, and it was such a great time,” said Campbell. “But the commute was just unbearable and those winds at the Boylston and Tremont intersection are straight-up dangerous.”

Eyewitness sources told us they spotted the svelte Campbell rolling a suitcase while crossing the intersection on his journey over to his now ex-girlfriend, and he was reportedly getting blown around like a scarecrow before face-planting into the pavement.

“After his injuries from the wind, I suggested one of us could take an Uber to the other place going forward, but with surge pricing and everything, it can add up fast on a college budget,” lamented Gonzalez.

In the two weeks following their labor day reunion, the couple had been communicating every day over text and FaceTime, and sources say it had been going pretty well at first–so well, in fact, that they had planned to do another vacation to see each other during Columbus Day weekend, at Piano Row this time.

But tragically, even modern day electronics couldn’t quite fill the void of old fashioned in-person contact, which was simply impossible to have consistently given the vast geographical divide. Therefore, the frustrated students decided they had no choice but to part ways.

Such a shame.

At press time, both students were also considering a breakup from the DH.