Freshman Reportedly “So Over” Emerson Party Scene


By: Malcolm Kelner

A freshman student is reportedly “so over” the Emerson party scene.

Marketing major Erin Samuels made the announcement from her Piano Row dorm to her suitemates early this morning, after a disappointing night at an Emerson party in Allston that was a “total bust.”

“I’m just so over at this point,” Samuels whined. “The basements are always cramped and sweaty, the music always sucks, and don’t even get me started on the guys.”

Our reporters asked Samuels to please elaborate.

“Okay well first off, all the hottest guys are gay, so I might find a great gay best friend but nothing beyond that. And pretty much the only straight guys I’ve met there are the athletes, and they’re just dumb plebeian jocks and total douchebags. No thanks. Can’t believe the school gives them full-ride scholarships to come here and throw a ball around.”

Our reporters then asked the young woman if she planned to continue going to Emerson parties.

“Did you not hear me?” she asked with a laugh. “I’m done. I’m over it. But I’m not gonna sit back and sulk. There’s so many colleges–better colleges–in Boston so there’s no reason I have to confine myself to these stupid Emerson so-called parties anymore.”

“It’s time for me to branch out!”

At press time, Samuels was “so over” the Northeastern party scene.

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