Musical Theater Major Can’t Believe No One Recognizes His Obscure Halloween Costume


By: Malcolm Kelner

An Emerson Musical Theater major is reportedly extremely upset that not a single person recognized his obscure Halloween costume from last night.

At a costume party in Allston, freshman Tommy Schmidt was asked several times, “What are you supposed to be?”

“Ummm… I’m Ernst, from Spring Awakening. Duh!” Schmidt responded each time in disgust, while in disbelief no one knew his hardly recognizable and totally random outfit from the Broadway musical.

To make matters worse, sources say all of Schmidt’s friends he went out with dressed up as popular characters from big movies and TV shows and were showered with compliments for their costumes, while he got completely snubbed.

“Ooooh, Rick Grimes [from “The Walking Dead”],” Schmidt said sarcastically to reporters about his friend’s costume. “Real fucking creative!”

At press time, Schmidt had decided to switch to a slightly more mainstream costume for tonight’s festivities, Anatole from “Natasha, Pierre & the Great Comet of 1812.”

Freshman Friend Group Accidentally Takes Bus To Salem, New Jersey For Halloween Weekend


In what was clearly a rookie move, Emerson friend group Sammy Chavez, Clark Erickson, and Erica Crawford mistakenly got on the wrong bus, intending to go to Salem, Massachusetts but ending up in Salem, New Jersey.

“Happy Halloween? More like crappy Halloween,” said Chavez, dumbfounded and desolate. “I’m sorry guys, I don’t know what happened.”

Sources say Chavez, the group trip organizer, erroneously booked three bus tickets to Philadelphia, which included a stop in Salem, New Jersey. Chavez most likely thought that this Salem was the famous Salem, where the Witch Trials of 1962 occurred and where costume parades weave through a lively downtown scene festooned with ghoulish decorations. Instead, Chavez and his buddies landed in New Jersey’s Salem, famous for its family-run wineries and close proximity to the great state of Delaware.

“This was an oversight on my part,” Chavez continued, in shambles. “What is it, the commuter rail I needed? Oh, man.”

Crawford, the peppy one in the group, tried convincing both Chavez and Erickson, the cynical one in the friend group, that Salem, New Jersey is a town rich in history and could still be fun to explore.

“We were thinking we might have some soup at the diner, trick or treat for a bit in an elderly neighborhood, maybe find a nearby park to sit down and read,” Crawford mused, masking a wounded soul. “I think there’s a fundraising event at the local YMCA we can try to volunteer at.”

At press time, the three students were seen looking for cell service somewhere in an abandoned building.

“The DH Pizza Is Better This Year,” Says Totally Defeated Sophomore


By: Malcolm Kelner

Tonight during dinner time in the Dining Hall, sophomore journalism major Jake Walters made a truly pitiful comment revealing just how defeated he is.

“The DH Pizza is better this year,” Walters pathetically said to a table of friends. “Last year I only ate it if there was nothing else, but it’s really not that bad now. Sodexo must have changed the recipe, right?”

“Yeah, probably,” sophomore Javy Gonzalez responded after an awkward silence, before immediately changing the subject.

Lion’s Tooth reporters caught up with Gonzalez after the dinner to discuss his friend’s comments and unfortunate new state of mind.

“It’s so sad to see,” Gonzalez lamented. “The fact Jake is at the point of his life that he’s actually giving a sincere compliment to the DH is very worrisome. Emerson has ruined all his standards… I just hope one day he’s able to bounce back.”

Tragically, Gonzalez’s hopes for his friend seem to be futile. Sources on the scene tonight say Walters wasn’t merely saying the positive comments about the very average Dining Hall pizza; he truly meant them, as he was later seen submitting heartfelt “compliments to the chef” on a bulletin board napkin note.

“I guess at the end of the day, it’s kind of adorable that he thinks he’s actually getting his 57,000 dollars’ worth at this school,” Gonzalez added. “Maybe ignorance is bliss after all.”

At press time, Walters was saying how thankful he was that the Iwasaki Library stays open all the way until 11:00 at night.

Comic Genius Makes Quip About Republican Candidates In Debate Being Stoned


By: Malcolm Kelner

A comic genius at Emerson has made a hilarious quip about the Republican candidates in tonight’s debate being stoned.

Minutes into the debate, sophomore Film major and Comedy minor Charlie O’Hare posted a Facebook status, reading, “For those wondering, the republicans on stage aren’t blazed… they actually mean the shit they’re saying.”

O’Hare’s hysterical joke was a dual reference to both the fact that tonight’s debate is being held in Colorado, a place where marijuana is legal, and also an allusion to the tendency of many Republican candidates, such as Donald Trump and Mike Huckabee, to make inane statements to try to appeal to the far right.

By combining the two factors, it added up for the perfect joke, and shows the student has been putting his comedic education at Emerson to good use.

At press time, O’Hare had just made a new status, reading, “Yooooooo Carson is totally slurring right now. You can’t tell me he didn’t cop some edibles on the way in.”

Ansin Worker Goes To Kick Out Straggler In Studio, Realizes It’s Lee Pelton

PELTONSTUDIO**By: Austin Wilder

Audio post-production worker Scott Travers was on his closing rounds this past Monday night just before 11:00 PM, when he heard a faint but distinct bumping coming from down the hall. Upon inspecting the situation, Travers was shocked to find Emerson President Lee Pelton in Audio Suite A, bumping “Hotline Bling” by Canadian rapper Drake.

“I wasn’t sure if it was a dream or not,” Travers said. “His swag had put me in a complete state of shock.”

Travers then elaborated by saying that Pelton was completely in the zone, nodding his head and swaying rhythmically, even mimicking some of Drake’s dance moves from the music video. Pelton was apparently taking advantage of the building’s complete emptiness and the booth’s pure serenity.

“Friday nights are generally quite peaceful in the Ansin building…. maybe one or two people will need an editing suite, but that’s about it,” says Travers.

Travers waited to notify Pelton about closing time until after the song faded out, out of what he said was “respect for Drizzy,” but once he told the president it was time to pack up, things got a bit awkward.

“He said to me, ‘Step away slowly, son,’ and I did,” Travers noted.

This is not the first time Pelton has crossed with students on closing time procedures though. Last year, lab assistant Emilia Walters reported that M. Lee was found in the 3DL computer lab, and left only after Walters repeatedly flicked the lights on and off, to which Pelton unplugged his G-Drive and stormed out of the room.

“He was editing some Ice Bucket Challenge video in Adobe After Effects,” Walters said. “He was like, trying to enlarge his muscles or something… I don’t know, I just wanted to make it to the Max before the grill closed.”

President Pelton, Emerson’s 12th and easily coolest president ever, has not yet publicly sent a school-wide email addressing the irresistible R&B cut, but Travers knows that the secret won’t be safe for long.

“It was a random, chance occurrence,” Travers said. “But he has a good taste in music, and Emerson needs to know that.”

At press time, Kevin Bright was seen criss-crossing the ELA campus with headphones blaring Adele’s “Hello.”

Student Uses Dunkin Donuts Side Door Into Little Building To Avoid Panhandler


By: Malcolm Kelner

This morning a savvy Emerson student used the side door that connects Dunkin Donuts and the Little Building in order to avoid an aggressive panhandler.

On his way to get coffee and a breakfast sandwich, freshman marketing major Michael Chang had the door to Dunkin opened for him by the panhandler, who shouted, “There you go sir, enjoy!”

“Thanks, I’ll get you on the way out,” Chang lied to the Patriots jersey-wearing middle-aged man, as he already knew what his plan of escape was.

After receiving his order, sources say Chang took a quick glance back to make sure the guy wasn’t looking, darted around the corner and through the side door into the Little Building, and exited out the front door of LB to continue on his way.

Onlookers were impressed by Chang’s actions.

“For a freshman, that was a veteran move right there,” said senior Will Stanton.

“As much as Emerson’s tour guides tout that side door as some sort of great ‘convenience,’ everyone knows the only point of it is to avoid the Dunkin door-openers,” added junior Kelly Nettleton.

“He doesn’t need that guilt sitting with him all day. Well done, kid.”

At press time, Chang was faking a phone call to avoid PETA activists.