A Letter On The Colonial Theatre, By Nihilist Lee Pelton

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Dear Emerson Community,

I am writing to let you know that the Boston Globe has published an article regarding the possible future use of the Colonial Theatre. The article is based on architectural drawings that the Globe obtained without Emerson’s permission, and also on the premise that this issue, or anything else at Emerson, actually matters. Well, I have some news for you. It doesn’t.

As I wrote to you previously, our planning regarding the future use of the Colonial Theatre has been guided by several undeniable facts:

  • Everything that happens on Earth is temporary. Nothing endures.
  • All lives and events are random, meaningless, and without any true intrinsic value.
  • Morality is a fabricated social construct that doesn’t actually exist.
  • We will all die one day and everyone who knows us will also die.

There are many plans under consideration for use of the Colonial. We could use it as a multi-purpose theatrical performance venue, make a second DH out of it that maybe doesn’t suck as much, or turn it into a new campaign office for Bernie Sanders. I don’t fucking know. And to be completely honest with you, I really don’t care.

Here’s what I do know: That as much as people want to pretend the Colonial Theatre is “historic” or special in some sort of way, it isn’t, because it will eventually perish, just like all of us will.

Now, the only decision is, do we want to jumpstart that process and distract all you hapless peasants from your inevitable demise by converting the Colonial into some sort of other venue that doesn’t cost as much to operate, or do we let it crumble and decay, all the way up until a nuclear holocaust finally reduces it to rubble at The End of Days?

Any proposal selected will be reviewed and voted on by a panel of me, Andy Tiedemann, and Watsky. And since there’s an odd number of us, there will automatically be a majority, which makes things nice and simple.

We’ll keep you posted on what we decide, but please, for the love of god, keep this in mind as you’re signing some sort of meaningless online petition…

It doesn’t matter.

Sincerely,

Nihilist Lee Pelton

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