Dear Emerson Community,
Good afternoon, allow me to introduce myself. My name is R.B. Downey III, businessman and industrialist. As many of you are aware, last week President Pelton emailed the student body with a clarification about the school’s plan to renovate the Colonial Theatre.
Well, you need not worry about any more emails from Mr. Pelton. Why, in fact, you need not worry about Mr. Pelton at all. Little Lee is no longer the President of Emerson College. That title now belongs to me.
As my first order of business, I will restructure our plans regarding the Colonial. Instead of wasting our limited finances on a renovation project, we’re gonna tear that fuckin’ building down to the ground and get that sweet, SWEET oil from underneath. Can you smell that? That ain’t just hydrogen sulfide! It’s sweet, SWEET Emer$on cash flowing in, baby!
BUT WE’RE NOT GONNA STOP THERE. I’m not gonna rest until every last historical theater and landmark of the Greater Boston area has been acquired and refabricated for resource extraction. The Boston Common? A perfect space for our nuclear power plant. That duck pond in the Public Gardens? The sewage site for our hazardous waste. Make Way for Ducklings? How about Make Way for MUTANTS. Fuck birds, I hate ‘em. And to top it off, a steel fortified, gas guzzling oil tanker right in the middle of the Harbor. That’s right, with a big ol’ E painted on the side! Bringing Innovation to the Communications and the Arts? Bringing Sweet Green to my Right Pocket and Left!
AND WHY LIMIT OURSELVES TO BEANTOWN? I picture a planet with Emerson satellite schools scattered all across the globe. Forget LA and the Castle. I want to be stationed at the world’s largest oil refineries. Alaska. Saudi Arabia. Iraq. “Live from Baghdad, it’s the 35th Annual EVVY Awards, the largest fuel-run, multi-pipelined, oil show in the United Nations.”
Now I am well aware of the rumors of a rising student union that may resist such plans. Please, continue your protests. Petition. Picket. Tweet. But don’t be surprised when you find yourselves to be the next test subjects of nuclear radiation at our power plant. I’m positive the growth of extra limbs will put you ahead of the crowd in the internship hunt. Hell! You could write cover letters at twice the speed!
And don’t worry, my cute little advocates; I’ll keep Emerson’s commitment to sociopolitical awareness and activism alive and well. Ten percent of our profits will be donated to special interest groups like the NRA and Monsanto. I believe my good friend Mr. Trump and his SuperPac could use some of our assets.
Oh, and the “global warming” horseshit? Hey, I like it warm. And you know the saying: If you can’t take the heat, get the fuck out of my school. Which will soon be the whole planet, so I hope you’ve invested in space travel and rocket ships… WHICH you can conveniently fuel at any of our soon to be, Emerson College gas and snack stations! GOD, I have a half-chub just thinking about it.
So live up to your name, Emerson and be a lion! A lion of industry! LEMME HEAR YOU ROAR! ROAR!
President R.B. Downey III