“The DH Pizza Is Better This Year,” Says Totally Defeated Sophomore


By: Malcolm Kelner

Tonight during dinner time in the Dining Hall, sophomore journalism major Jake Walters made a truly pitiful comment revealing just how defeated he is.

“The DH Pizza is better this year,” Walters pathetically said to a table of friends. “Last year I only ate it if there was nothing else, but it’s really not that bad now. Sodexo must have changed the recipe, right?”

“Yeah, probably,” sophomore Javy Gonzalez responded after an awkward silence, before immediately changing the subject.

Lion’s Tooth reporters caught up with Gonzalez after the dinner to discuss his friend’s comments and unfortunate new state of mind.

“It’s so sad to see,” Gonzalez lamented. “The fact Jake is at the point of his life that he’s actually giving a sincere compliment to the DH is very worrisome. Emerson has ruined all his standards… I just hope one day he’s able to bounce back.”

Tragically, Gonzalez’s hopes for his friend seem to be futile. Sources on the scene tonight say Walters wasn’t merely saying the positive comments about the very average Dining Hall pizza; he truly meant them, as he was later seen submitting heartfelt “compliments to the chef” on a bulletin board napkin note.

“I guess at the end of the day, it’s kind of adorable that he thinks he’s actually getting his 57,000 dollars’ worth at this school,” Gonzalez added. “Maybe ignorance is bliss after all.”

At press time, Walters was saying how thankful he was that the Iwasaki Library stays open all the way until 11:00 at night.

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