No One Is Noticing Kevin Bright’s Plea For Help In ELA Acceptance Email

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By: Malcolm Kelner

All day on Monday, rising Emerson juniors and seniors have been excitedly posting screenshots of their acceptance emails for the Emerson Los Angeles program for next year.

However, while everyone has been busy congratulating the accepted students, no one has seemed to notice the hidden plea for help from ELA Founding Director and former “Friends” producer Kevin Bright.

Embedded among bullet points, seemingly very out of place from the rest of the informational email, reads, “I am so done directing this failed program. HELP ME!”

In October, Emerson announced it was extending Bright’s near-expired contract for an extra year and vaguely “quoted” Bright as saying he “needed a little bit more time to accomplish things.”

Now, based on this e-mail, it appears that Bright may have never actually said that, and is perhaps being forced to stay on as the program director against his will.

Regardless, the hidden message is very strange and disconcerting, and the whole Lion’s Tooth staff hopes he is okay.

At press time, a haggard looking Bright was seen sprinting down Sunset Boulevard away from the ELA campus.

Hilarious Fake Facebook Events Dominating Newsfeeds Everywhere

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By: Malcolm Kelner

Beginning over the weekend and continuing into today, a plethora of hilarious fake Facebook events are dominating the newsfeeds of Emerson students everywhere.

With truly comical event names, often based in existentialism and sad in nature, such as, “realizing that love is just an institution built on human frailty” and “thinking you lost all hope but then losing that last additional bit of hope you didn’t even know you had,” Emerson students have been endlessly entertained.

Probably the greatest part of the whole thing is how these events aren’t even real. They have no set location or plan, and were merely flippant creations made in seconds with the sole purpose of going viral and mocking real events in which people actually gather. So it’s funny!

Not wanting to be left without their creative fingerprints all over this nationwide phenomenon, Emerson students are not merely “attending” or “interested in” these events. They’re also creating them, and supporting each other’s side-splitting creations en masse.

For example, many students are getting ready to attend the faux event, “everybody hysterically scream about the future in unison,” taking place on New Year’s Day. It’s a pretty funny idea, but it’s a shame that it’s being held over winter break, because if it was during class time, can you even imagine how crazy it would be?

All the professors would be like, “Ummm, what’s going on?” The looks on their faces would be priceless.

This is good stuff, you guys. Keep it up.

Marketing Major Trying To Bond With Father Over Thanksgiving Football Commercials

By: Christopher “CJ” Maiorino

Marketing major Tim Harkins has never been interested in football, or any sports for that matter.

But he knew that it is his father’s favorite pastime, so today on Thanksgiving, he is hoping to impress him with his knowledge in commercial advertising.

“Did you know ESPN’s logo is a bright red because it’s the color that provokes the most response in humans?” Harkins confidently announced after watching a commercial for the Broncos vs. Patriots game.

“Is that what they teach you for $60,000 dollars a year?” Harkin’s father sarcastically grunted back.

“They play the commercials during Thanksgiving because they know the whole family is sitting down together in front of the TV. It creates an association between family and football, which companies hope will translate into sales,” Tim added.

“We get it,” his father responded much louder this time. “Just shut up and watch the game.”

At press time, Tim and his father were both fucking annoyed by the constant commercials for FanDuel and Cialis.

Freshman Home For Break Wastes No Time Dumping Long-Distance Boyfriend

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By Charlie Greenwald

SEAFORD, DE – Despite a valiant effort to stay together, freshman Valerie Tomlinson decided to call it quits with her high school sweetheart, Roy, immediately upon returning home from break.

“Yeah, this isn’t working out,” Moore cooly stated to her nonplussed, now-former boyfriend. “I’m glad I got to do this in person, though, since we’ve been through so much together – calculus, prom, and other stuff.”

Thanksgiving break is a popular time for high school couples struggling with long distance to split up. For every relationship that evolves during trying times, there’s people like Valerie, who jump ship before it gets even harder.

“I like Derek now,” Moore explained, showing Roy a picture of her new man. “I hope you understand.”

At press time, Roy was seen telling Valerie that he accepts the breakup, but gingerly suggested “re-evaluating where they are in their lives” during Christmas break.

 

Emerson Reacts To Taylor Swift Lip Dub Controversy

 

The school-sponsored lip dub video in the works for nearly a year, meant to “showcase Emerson,” has been cancelled due to opposition from many multicultural organizations who elected to not participate “due to Swift’s history of racial insensitivity.”

Let’s see what Emerson thinks…

Asian student

“They all laughed at me when I suggested we just do the YMCA. Who’s laughing now?”

-Scott Lin, Junior VMA Major


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“Nothing brings a community closer than a school without enough minorities bitching about a music video without enough minorities.”

-Kim Donaldson, Adjunct Professor


Haben Girma

“As long as all that equipment is returned by Monday, no skin off my nose.”

-Debbie Fulfex, EDC Employee

Emerson Reacts To Women’s Soccer Team’s ECAC Title

 

After trailing in the first half against University of New England in the finals, Emerson tied it up with two goals and won with penalty kicks, leading to an unlikely ECAC championship–the first for any sport in school history.

Let’s see what Emerson thinks…

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“Does this mean another one of those parades is happening on Boylston Street?”

-Donny Williams, Marketing Major

 

 


 

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“You gotta hand it to them. Despite being lower-seeded and clearly outmatched in the finals, they rode into the playoffs playing their best soccer of the year. Superb goaltending is key in these kind of match-ups. But I think the real MVP of this team is the defense not allowing a single goal in the second half, especially considering the legendary strength of 4th ranked UNE’s midfield. It would have been easy to lose energy and focus after falling to a 2-0 deficit, but they made sure the Lions won the time of possession battle, which eventually produced the two goals they needed, and then their clutch PK group was able to take over. Hats off to them.”

-Josh Dawson, Theatre Major


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“Wait, we have sports here?”

-Carrie Ellison, Stage & Production Design Major