ECAPS Offering 24-Hour Counseling For Students Emotionally Wrecked By Adele’s New Album

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By Charlie Greenwald

Sources close to Emerson’s Counseling and Psychological Services Department confirmed today that the library will be holding “group and individual therapy” sessions for students who have had their soul torn apart by the new Adele album, 25.

“Whether it’s the intricate acoustics of “Million Years Ago” or the agonizing melancholy within “Love in the Dark,” I think we’re all going through some things today,” said clinical psychologist Mary Bryant. “It’s a lot to process.”

After the record-breaking success of lead single “Hello,” Adele’s new album has been long awaited by fans and critics alike. Needless to say, when the album finally dropped today, the British crooner’s forlorn caterwaul pierced directly through the hearts of the Emerson student body. Counseling co-director Hector Jones has said that the sessions (which will run until 11:00 AM tomorrow) include listening to several of the new songs, reacting and discussing feelings, and then playing with Beanie Babies to instrumental tracks from Mika records.

“We want our students to feel like this is a safe space, where they don’t have to be afraid to be vulnerable,” Jones eloquently stated. “We of course appreciate Adele’s musical brilliance, but we also want to stay strong.”

Although some students haven’t listened to the album yet, since Adele and her team have kept the album off of some major streaming sites, most students who have heard the new material have found the sessions very beneficial.

“I am feeling a lot better,” said Dakota Ryner, who has listened to “All I Ask” 34 times on repeat today. “Just got to remember to breathe in and out.”

At press time, Emerson’s Office of Spiritual Life was getting bombarded with emails from Emersonians who were having religious experiences as a result of the Hamilton official cast recording.

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