Emerson Finally Changes Name Of Colonial Building To Less Offensive Name

By: Malcolm Kelner

After the recent uproar over the Emerson student promo video featuring Taylor Swift’s music led to the long-running project being cancelled, students have accomplished another important goal: getting the Colonial Building renamed.

In response to impassioned calls from hundreds of students, Emerson’s administration promptly decided to rename the 10-story residence hall the “Equality Building” to better reflect the values of the school.

“It’s about time,” said freshman Musical Theater major and student activist Anabelle Hartfield. “It’s really unbelievable that Emerson used such an offensive name for one of their dorms for this long, but I’m thrilled they’ve finally come around.”

Hartfield then elaborated on what made the name so offensive, and also what made her request to transfer rooms to the Little Building after receiving her housing placement in Colonial last summer.

“America has a very ugly history of colonialism,” she said. “And now we’re really just going to slap ‘Colonial’ on one of our buildings and rub it in everyone’s face? Count me out!”

“I’m definitely considering living in the Equality Building next year though!” she added. “LB kinda sucks, to be honest.”

Another young activist, junior Journalism major Keith Lambert, talked to Lion’s Tooth reporters about how the offensive name was not just an “honest mistake,” as Andy Tiedemann had claimed in his mass email revealing the name change.

“Alright, so colonists stole this land from the Native Americans and reaped the benefits of all the natural resources to turn it into the richest country in the world, right?” Lambert explained. “The Colonial Building was in pretty bad shape before the school renovated it in 2009, and now it’s probably the nicest dorm we have. Hmmm…”

“Please, try to tell me with a straight face that that’s just a total coincidence,” he said. “I’m not that dumb.”

At press time, students were lobbying to change the name of the Beard Room to a more gender-neutral name.

4 thoughts on “Emerson Finally Changes Name Of Colonial Building To Less Offensive Name

  1. This is actually kind of hilarious and not at all surprising. Emerson kids are great at being offended and passionate about things that do not matter. Grow up and focus on some real issues. You want to call Colonial the “Equality Building?” Well go right ahead, but just realize that renaming a building because you think the name “Colonial” is offensive does not actually change–much less improve–anything about race relations in our society. If you need to change a building’s name to feel safe living in it, you should probably rethink what really matters to you, and consider getting educated about real issues in our world. This is exactly the kind of useless change I expect from the students at Emerson, and frankly, it saddens me. Go do your thing Emerson–exercise your entitlement, flex your privilege–and after a long day of exemplifying the American way, and enlightening the ignorant masses, rest easy in your dorms and apartments knowing that you have just made a difference. Rest easy, that is, until somebody else’s opinion on Last Week with John Oliver or on tumblr strikes your fancy and you decide to regurgitate it verbatim to anyone who doesn’t ask in the hopes of sounding wise or socially aware. We the people of color in America thank you for your brave service on our behalf. Because what we need more than anything else in the world is a different name for a dorm building at Emerson College. We could never have thought of something so ingenious. Truly, you all are doing the Lord’s work.

    Liked by 1 person

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