VMA Senior Makes Resolution To Finish His Skateboarding Documentary Again

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By Christopher “CJ” Maiorino  

Emerson junior Raymond Olardo swore earlier tonight that he would finish his skateboarding documentary, Beyond the Ollie: Grinding Home, by the end of the new semester. His wish was made just hours before the clock struck 12, and minutes after he finished his third shot.

“I’m gonna get it done by January, mark my words,” he proudly declared to his friends on the dance floor at the CHAINSMOKERS concert at Pier 94 in New York City. “I just gotta get some shit together first, like some audio stuff, you know?”

An accomplished street skater from the hills of Iowa, Olardo has attempted to complete his documentary since his freshman year. Production went into development hell when all of his time and energy went into selling weed instead.

“Life sneaks away from you sometimes, and it sucks,” he said after urinating in a corner. “But this is the year, man.”

When asked how much left of the movie he had, Olardo shrugged, refocusing on the performers at the CHAINSMOKERS concert.

Need An Easy Gen-Ed? Here Are Our Top Recommendations

Social Media Students Help Companies Reach Younger Generations

Every Emerson student knows the struggle. You’ve got the classes for your major figured out, but you just need those one or two pesky gen-ed classes to fill out your schedule and help complete your liberal arts education. If you’re like us, you want the easiest possible gen-eds, but ones that wouldn’t be a total bore either. We’ve got you covered with the best ones for second semester.

Aesthetic Perspective: Contemporary Weed and Other Drug Paraphernalia Design, When and When Not to Say “Current Aesthetic”

Ethics & Values Perspective: Designer Babies: Moral or Crucial?, The Morality of Youth in Asia

Historical Perspective: Tupac, Princess Diana, and How to Fake Your Own Death, The History of Edgar Allan Poe Statues

Interdisciplinary Perspective: The Rise, Fall, and Kind Of Rise Again of Prince, Marketing Jello In The Digital Age

Literary Perspective: Preternatural Homoerotic Poetry or Logical Fallacy?, Roller Coasters and the Search for Identity

Scientific Perspective: Ecology, Ophthalmology, and Ali G, Interplanetory Exploration & Human Sexuality

Social & Psychological Perspective: The Stanford Prison Experiment and Modern Romance, Intro to PSY

Global Diversity Perspective: Bollywood vs. Hollywood: Which is More Fun to Say?, Interhorticultural Communication

U.S. Diversity Perspective: Family Guy and the Male Gaze, History of Jazz Hands

Comedic Arts (BFA): Performing Improv Comedy, Evolution of Comedy I, Evolution of Comedy II, Modes of Comedy Production, Performing Sketch Comedy, Comedy Writers Room, Capstone in Comedy Writing, Performance, or Production

           Share and post which classes you plan on taking!

We Put A Film Major And A WLP Major Together In The Beard Room. What Happened Next Will Shock You.

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By: Malcolm Kelner

Emerson College may have a focus on communication and the arts, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t plenty of differences between some of its majors, and naturally, the students involved in them.

For example, Film majors and Writing, Literature, and Publishing majors embody some of those big differences. The former group of students find true meaning on the big screen, while the latter values the written word above all.

So you’re probably wondering, what would happen if we took a Film major and a WLP major and put them together in the Beard Room?

But wonder no longer, because that’s exactly what we did. And what happened next will shock you.

Although the students were initially very reserved with each other, within minutes, they both became very animated, and displayed incredible unity.

“What is this even for? You didn’t agree to this either, did you?” the WLP major asked.

“Let us out of here!” the Film major shouted.

Wow.

Soon, both students were desperately pounding on the doors of the Beard Room, which we locked. They did not have their cell phones to make outside contacts, because we confiscated them before putting the students inside, for the good of the experiment.

Eventually, Little Building RA’s working the desk on the second floor heard the commotion, and promptly called ECPD to let the students out of the Beard Room.

From what we hear, they are both very angry with us, and are trying to find us as we speak.

We can definitely all learn a lesson from this. No matter how different other people may seem from us, we should at least give them a chance. They may have more in common with us than we thought. Yeah, even students in other majors!

Like and share this article if you agree.

Emerson Opens New Alabama Campus, “Emerson Deep South”

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By: Malcolm Kelner

Following the conclusion of first semester, Emerson’s administration announced an exciting expansion of the school, the brand new Emerson Deep South campus in Robertsdale, Alabama.

“Emerson students are always looking to expand their horizons,” wrote Emerson Vice President for Communications and Marketing Andy Tiedemann in a mass email.

“We already had some good options with our Boston base, Los Angeles campus, and Kasteel Well in the Netherlands, but now for students who are looking for something different, the Deep South campus is the perfect option. So howdy partner, hitch up yer wagon and head awn down to ‘Bama for a hootin’ and hollerin’ ol’ time at EDS!”

While the program is debuting with much hype, many problems are starting to arise, such as a major clash of cultures between the first set of Emerson students moving in and the local Robertsdale community.

“Everyone is so weirdly nice down here,” said junior film major Eric Keppinger.

“I’ve already been offered sweet tea out of the blue multiple times, and when I’ve accidentally bumped into someone walking in the city, they’re all really apologetic instead of telling me to go fuck myself. I need to go back to Boston.”

The $85 million Robertsdale campus–developed over a good part of the last decade and predominantly paid for by tuition increases from students who will never be able to experience the program because they’re either already graduated or stuck since the program doesn’t offer classes in their majors–is by all accounts “state of the art” and “really catches the eye.”

However, the problems have continued with the campus, mainly the dormitory building, which sources tell us is falling apart due to being all flash and no substance.

These structural issues and conceptual concerns about the program itself have drawn the ire of Emerson students.

“I’m not sure I understand why they opened the Deep South campus in the first place,” said sophomore marketing major Keisha Williams.

“It’s great that students want to get a taste of Alabama and the career opportunities it presents, but then just go to the University of Alabama or Auburn or something. Or do an exchange program for a semester. I just think that if you’re going to raise $85 million against our will, it could be better spent improving our actual campus in Boston that everyone uses.”

Williams did concede that if nothing else, the campus provides a “great warm weather getaway spot for Emerson administrators over the winter.”

At press time, Lee Pelton was announcing the closure of the Deep South campus, saying, “This probably wasn’t our best idea.”

Emerson Faculty Enjoying Winter Break Activities In Whistler, Canada

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By Charlie Greenwald

Taking advantage of the downtime and unwinding after a stressful semester, several Emerson administrators were seen weaving through the vast, snowy forests of Whistler Blackcomb, British Columbia. The faculty members included Dean of Students Sharon Duffy, Vice President of Communications and Marketing Andy Tiedemann and President Lee Pelton.

“It’s been a long half-year,” Duffy said, tearing through a milk run on the Rider’s Revenge black diamond trail. “We just needed to strap on some hardgoods and hit the mountains.”

Although New England hasn’t had many flurries so far, Whistler – located in Western Canada, approximately two hours outside of Vancouver – has had beautiful skiing weather, with lots of snow and a temperature hovering around a sunny 31 degrees Fahrenheit all week long. Each faculty member was delighted with their surroundings and the accommodations of the resort, allowing them all to enjoy recreational activities in wintry delight and forget about their worries, such as the massive architectural changes the Boston campus is undergoing.

“The weather sure has been nice,” Pelton said, taking photographs of Tiedemann as he bobsledded his way down Jack’s Junction. “We were thinking of taking a scuba diving trip down to Aruba, but we figured that they will have better rates in March.”

At press time, Erik Muurisepp, Director of Housing and Residence Life, was seen excitedly jumping off the chairlift and joining the crew, gripping a street luge board in his right hand.

 

“So Many Things Wrong With The Force Awakens”, Reports That Kid in Your Intermediate Film Production Class Who Just Got Three Consecutive D’s on Assignments

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By Jeremy Vandroff

Graham Goodwell, that kid in your Intermediate Film Production class who just got three consecutive D’s on assignments, saw the “The Force Awakens” last night, and according to him, there were “So many problems” with the newest installment of the Star Wars franchise.

Goodwell, who hasn’t received a grade higher than a B- for any film work he’s submitted at Emerson, got right to pointing out all the plot holes in JJ Abram’s script.

“We’re just supposed to believe that none of the ancillary companion pieces, like ‘The Siege of Lothal’ ever existed?” indignantly mused the aspiring auteur who recently received a 64/100 on a recent script he turned in for grading.

“And so many of the practical effects were ineffective”, continued the student who recently shot a sci-fi movie using painted black cardboard as a backdrop.

When asked if he could point out anything positive about the $200 million film, he just shrugged

“I don’t know, I had such high hopes. But this just felt like a total retread of old themes and battleship chase scenes” Goodwell, who has not written an original script since freshman year, lamented.

At press time, Goodwell was spotted in the EDC, serving up some unwanted spoilers about the film to the horrified students around him.