Report: Cirque de De-Stress Therapy Reptiles Not Going Over Well

djkdfsdsBy Charlie Greenwald

Citing an overwhelming sense of fear throughout the facility, the Emerson Cirque de De-Stress closed their Therapy Reptiles program to students and faculty, citing “an unanticipated negative reaction.”

“We knew we were taking a gamble,” said Emerson counselor Dawn Rosario, who partnered with the Iwasaki Library Staff and several zookeepers across the Boston area for this event. “But some people are allergic to dogs and cats, so we figured that these coldblooded creatures would be a little less problematic.”

Students felt threatened and unsafe with the reptiles in the room, with several of them running away to study for finals in fear of their lives.

“There was a little too much hissing for me,” said junior Lyle Anderson. “I wanted to snuggle but I think most of them bite. That’s disconcerting.”

At press time, the library was switching over to adorable puppies, and droves of financially drained and stressed-out Emerson parents who live in the area were lining up to pet them.

 

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