Sophomore Desperate To Turn Up Settles For High School Party In Lowell

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By: Malcolm Kelner

Saturday night, a student desperate to turn up failed to find any good Emerson parties and settled for a high school party in Lowell.

Sophomore marketing major Gavin Kohler was reportedly looking forward all week to going out this weekend, since it was his last chance to rage before going back home to Wilmington, Delaware for Winter Break. Kohler was initially crestfallen when he didn’t hear about anything promising, but instead of staying in and giving up, he thought outside the box.

“I had heard there was something going on at the ‘Lax House’ or something like that, but that just sounded like one big buzzkill,” he said.

“Nothing else sounded good either, so that’s when I hit up some people who knew some people, and found out about a way better party.”

The party he was speaking of, of course, was a high school party in the local Boston suburb of Lowell, a reasonable 45-minute ride on the commuter rail he took by himself.

“It was fucking sick,” Kohler continued. “This kid’s parents were gone all weekend, so he had an open house and it was huge. There was a bomb DJ, a couple kegs, some fire bud, a hot tub, pretty much everything you could ask for. It was pretty much like Project X part two.”

While all our sources do indeed confirm the “sickness” of the party, the local crime log indicates the gathering was broken up by police, and several alcohol minor possession tickets were handed out. We asked Kohler if he was one of the kids who got in trouble.

“Are you kidding me?” he scoffed. “I’m a pro. As soon as I heard rumors of cops I got an Uber and got the hell out of there. These kids have a lot to learn.”

“I’ll definitely be back next semester though,” he added. “This shit blows Emerson out of the water.”

At press time, Kohler was telling his roommate about several females attendees of the party that “wanted on” but he “had to be careful of the 18 thing.”

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