Source: Freshman Can’t Believe Freshman Year Is Halfway Over

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By: Malcolm Kelner

According to an anonymous Lion’s Tooth source, an Emerson freshman can’t believe freshman year is halfway over.

Reports indicate freshman film major Kyle Monahan penned a Facebook status just minutes ago following the completion of his last final exam for History of Jazz, reading, “Damn. Can’t believe freshman year is halfway over, not to mention 1/8 of college. Where did the time go? :0”

Sources add the entire ECAPS (Emerson Counseling and Psychological Services) office staff is “on it,” jumping into action to help Monahan cope with his disbelief.

“We understand Kyle’s first semester of college really flew by, and it seems to him like just yesterday he was getting harassed by orientation leaders on Boylston as he moved in at the end of August,” stated ECAPS counselor Marie Orvis.

“Our end goal is to get him to accept the stark reality that he is indeed halfway done with the school year,” echoed counselor Tim Brophy. “Then he can move on with his life and have a remainder of the year that’s healthy for his mind, body, and spirit. We’re very optimistic.”

At press time, Monahan was commenting on the status, thanking his new friends for “making an amazing first semester possible.”

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