Emerson Opens New Alabama Campus, “Emerson Deep South”

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By: Malcolm Kelner

Following the conclusion of first semester, Emerson’s administration announced an exciting expansion of the school, the brand new Emerson Deep South campus in Robertsdale, Alabama.

“Emerson students are always looking to expand their horizons,” wrote Emerson Vice President for Communications and Marketing Andy Tiedemann in a mass email.

“We already had some good options with our Boston base, Los Angeles campus, and Kasteel Well in the Netherlands, but now for students who are looking for something different, the Deep South campus is the perfect option. So howdy partner, hitch up yer wagon and head awn down to ‘Bama for a hootin’ and hollerin’ ol’ time at EDS!”

While the program is debuting with much hype, many problems are starting to arise, such as a major clash of cultures between the first set of Emerson students moving in and the local Robertsdale community.

“Everyone is so weirdly nice down here,” said junior film major Eric Keppinger.

“I’ve already been offered sweet tea out of the blue multiple times, and when I’ve accidentally bumped into someone walking in the city, they’re all really apologetic instead of telling me to go fuck myself. I need to go back to Boston.”

The $85 million Robertsdale campus–developed over a good part of the last decade and predominantly paid for by tuition increases from students who will never be able to experience the program because they’re either already graduated or stuck since the program doesn’t offer classes in their majors–is by all accounts “state of the art” and “really catches the eye.”

However, the problems have continued with the campus, mainly the dormitory building, which sources tell us is falling apart due to being all flash and no substance.

These structural issues and conceptual concerns about the program itself have drawn the ire of Emerson students.

“I’m not sure I understand why they opened the Deep South campus in the first place,” said sophomore marketing major Keisha Williams.

“It’s great that students want to get a taste of Alabama and the career opportunities it presents, but then just go to the University of Alabama or Auburn or something. Or do an exchange program for a semester. I just think that if you’re going to raise $85 million against our will, it could be better spent improving our actual campus in Boston that everyone uses.”

Williams did concede that if nothing else, the campus provides a “great warm weather getaway spot for Emerson administrators over the winter.”

At press time, Lee Pelton was announcing the closure of the Deep South campus, saying, “This probably wasn’t our best idea.”

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