Report: Student Getting Way Too Comfortable Swearing In Class

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By: Malcolm Kelner

A Lion’s Tooth report has found an Emerson student is getting way too comfortable swearing in class.

Countless sources confirm freshman Marketing major Adam Gildan is a loudmouth menace in all four of his classes, and somehow finds it socially and professionally acceptable to just drop f-bombs and other crude language whenever he pleases.

“Abercrombie keeps finding ways to fuck up,” the disrespectful student recently said when giving a presentation on the brand in his Brands, Organizations, and Strategies class, with his professor sitting a few feet away. “Their PR awareness is just nowhere to be fucking found.”

It’s not only when making presentations does Gildan think it’s okay to act like this.

“Yo, Miles Davis was the shit,” the immature toolbag blurted out after raising his hand in his History of Jazz class. “It’s fucked up how his name is rarely mentioned when people discuss the most influential figures in American music. His legacy really seems to get shafted.”

To make matters worse, sources say Gildan seems to think his insolent behavior is funny and edgy.

“Every time he curses, he has this little smirk and glances around the room to see if other people are laughing, and no one ever is,” said classmate Michelle Greenstein. “We get it, you’re in college now. In his words, he needs to just chill the fuck out.”

At press time, Gildan was blowing his chance at a summer internship when he told the person interviewing him that the position “sounds like a fucking awesome opportunity.”

Emerson Reacts To Men’s Basketball Team’s Comeback Win Vs. Springfield

(Disclaimer: This article, as well as the rest of this website, is purely satirical. Besides the introductory paragraph, everything is completely fake. Scroll up. Look, it says, “Laughing at Emerson, with Emerson.” If that is not clear enough, there is a link to an “About” page which fully describes the nature of this website and its mission. The students listed are not real, and the quotes are made up as well. Emerson student-athletes, just like those at every other NCAA Division III college, are prohibited from receiving any sort of athletic scholarships. If any do receive financial aid from the school, it is based on academic merit and/or need. The first quote–which was, once again, fabricated by the author–was written to lampoon the common misconception among Emerson’s student body that the school’s student-athletes do receive athletic scholarships. Sometimes, satire is even more poignant than actual news, because it draws attention to certain issues in a way that straight-forward news can not. The author’s intention of “quoting” the first “student” was to open people’s eyes to the myth of D3 athletic scholarships, and to hopefully make the point to readers that Emerson’s student-athletes receive no more privileges than any other students. They come to Emerson first and foremost to gain a practical education in communication and the arts, and any athletic participation comes second. Thanks for reading and we hope you enjoy the site!)

The Emerson Lions men’s basketball team followed up an impressive road victory against D3 powerhouse MIT with a comeback home win vs. Springfield College on Tuesday night. After starting the game down 15-0, the Lions outscored the Pride 50-21 in the second half en route to a decisive 73-59 win.

Let’s see what Emerson thinks…

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“If Emerson is going to spend all this money on full-ride scholarships for athletes, the least we can ask is that they win a few games for us.”

-Amber Campbell, Journalism Major


 

JustinMassey-4x3.Twitter-370x277“It really was a tale of two halves. After playing selfish offensive ball in the first half with a lot of ill-advised shot attempts, it’s no surprise we trailed by 15 at the break. Whatever Coach Curley said to the team at halftime though really worked, because we definitely gelled as a unit in the second half. We played aggressive team defense, made the extra pass on offense, and focused on creating high-percentage shots in the paint– exploiting Springfield’s lacking interior defense. 62.1% from the floor in the second half?! Come on now, that’s as good as it gets. We were able to feed off a terrific home atmosphere in the Brown & Plofker gym, which really is a special thing to see. It’s great that our team is finally starting to live up to its talent, and I hope the rest of the NEWMAC is taking notice.

-Brent Scheffles, Musical Theatre Major


 

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“Sports!”

-Eric Lang, Comedic Arts Major

Freshman Discovers “Secret” Entranceway To Walker Building

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A freshman student made a groundbreaking discovery this morning before his Intro to College Writing class.

At approximately 7:54am, Studio Television Production major Harry Brabbs, 18, stumbled into a goldmine that would transform the way he got to class. To his amazement, under an immense network of scaffolding off of Boylston stood a doorway leading straight into the bowels of the Walker Building–with none of the traffic!

And it had a breathtaking wall of inspiring poetry leading to the elevators to boot.

According to reports, by using the secret entranceway, Brabbs was able to cut his travel time down and get to class at 7:58, beating his previous record of 8:01.

“Hey guess what I found this morning?” Brabbs asked his roommates as he threw his bag down on the couch of his Piano Row suite.

At press time, Brabbs had discovered a secret staircase in Piano Row to access the Max Café without having to take the elevator down to the first floor and walk back up.

An Emerson Student Passed A Homeless Man On Campus. What Happened Next Was Incredible.

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By: Malcolm Kelner

Emerson students are well known for their compassion and generosity toward society’s less fortunate. However, the recent actions of one Emerson student were so incredible, it was surprising even despite the lofty standards Emersonians have set.

During a post-class rush on Boylston Street this morning, junior Political Communications major Wyatt Smythe was walking from the Walker Building toward Piano Row. That’s when he saw a homeless man standing in front of the alleyway toward City Place.

“Spare change,” the middle-aged man wearing a retro New England Patriots jersey said, as a shook a cup filled with coins.

Smythe immediately felt around in his coat pockets for change.

He had nothing.

Smythe checked his wallet.

There was nothing there either, aside from a 20 dollar bill which he couldn’t afford to part with on a college budget.

Still eager to help the man down on his luck, Smythe took off his backpack to look inside, hoping he had a left a granola bar or other snack in it. He hadn’t, but he found something else, and it was totally incredible.

It was a copy of the latest issue of the Berkeley Beacon.

“Here you go sir,” Smythe said, trying to muster up a smile as he timidly extended the newspaper out to the man. “Sorry I don’t have any money or food but I hope this helps.”

The man took the paper, flipping it over to examine both sides, and looked back up at the Smythe. He was completely speechless, most likely because he was blown away by the student’s unbelievably kind gesture.

“You can…uh…read about the latest stories at Emerson. Have a nice day!” Smythe added, as he hurriedly walked away.

Wow.

This student taught us all a big lesson in generosity and empathy today. While we may not ever be in a situation in which we’re able to replicate Wyatt’s wonderful deed, we should try to take his same amazing attitude into our everyday lives.

Like and share this story if you were inspired.

Emerson College Poll: 99.5% Of Emerson College Students Hope Donald Trump Dies Tomorrow

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By: Malcolm Kelner

Emerson College recently made national headlines when Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump called the school a “very important, great college” after the Emerson College Polling Society cited Trump with a 10 point lead in Iowa.

Now, a follow-up poll by Emerson College has revealed that 99.5% of Emerson College students hope Donald Trump dies tomorrow, whether by natural causes or assassination.

“When he said we should make a Muslim registry and ban all Muslim immigrants to America, I officially lost all respect for him,” said polled voter and junior WLP major Marcus Frazier. “He’s just targeting angry white people looking for someone else to blame. I hope he doesn’t wake up tomorrow.”

Another poll participant, freshman Sarah Wilson, despises Trump because of his continued misogynistic attacks on women.

“When he said Megyn Kelly had ‘blood coming out of her wherever’ because she was asking him tough debate questions, and that Hillary Clinton using the bathroom was ‘disgusting,’ that did it for me,” Wilson said. “Wouldn’t that be ironic if a woman poisoned him or something?”

Even the President of the Emerson College Republicans, senior Maddie Smart, said she has nothing but hatred for Trump too.

“Republicans aren’t about racism, we’re about conservative economic principles and a strong national defense,” Smart pleaded. “Tony Soprano was a conservative, right? We should get a real-life mobster to whack him so he can’t get the nomination.”

The poll revealed the few Emerson students who hope Trump makes it through the weekend are all aspiring standup comedians who hope to have endless and relevant material for the next four years.

Emerson Reacts to Donald Trump Calling Emerson “Very Important, Great College”

Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump acknowledged and celebrated a recent Emerson College Iowa poll that found him to be leading Ted Cruz by 10%. Trump said, “Emerson College, very important, great college. Trump 33%, Cruz 23%. Nice! Nice! Wow.”

Let’s see what Emerson thinks…

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“You left out the part where he proposed building a wall to keep Suffolk students off our campus and making them pay for it.”

-Jane Murphy, Political Communication ‘17


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“I’m glad it was Trump complimenting us and not that socialist wackjob Bernie [Sanders].”

-Pedro Mendez, Visual Media Arts ‘19


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“I can’t stand for this. Emerson is a moderately important college, at best.”

-Clay Armano, Associate Dean

Trump Catches Emerson Tour To Continue Week Of Praise

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By Charlie Greenwald

Just one day after he cited Emerson’s Iowa Caucus polls, Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump was seen touring Emerson’s campus, checking out the facilities and better familiarizing himself with the school he just endorsed.

“Damn, I like this place,” Trump grinned, diving into set of curly fries from the Max cafeteria. “I mean, there isn’t a business major, so that’s a major setback. But the location is great and the facilities are top-notch. Almost as good as my hotels.”

Trump was seen criss-crossing his way through the school, first stopping in the Tufte building to check out the TV production studios before heading into a History of Jazz class and finally a tour of the Majestic Theater. Although over a week out of the Iowa caucus, many pundits predict that Trump will win in Iowa, including Five Thirty-Eight data guru Nate Silver. Emerson College’s Communications Department, filled with politically knowledgeable professors who help provide highly accurate surveys, has now catapulted itself squarely in the polling conversation.

“We’re relying on Emerson for everything now,” said Corey Lewandowski, Trump’s 2016 campaign manager. “No stone can be left unturned.”

At press time, several students who spotted Trump by the Colonial Building passed him by.