Lee Pelton Reportedly Furious Over Emerson Hoverboard Ban

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By: Malcolm Kelner

This afternoon, Emerson students and faculty received an e-mail from Associate Dean Erik Muurisepp notifying them of a ban on hoverboards and other self-propelled transportation devices on campus because of safety concerns.

This was news to Emerson President Lee Pelton, who spat out his coffee in his study at his Beacon Hill home after opening the message.

“What the fuck!” Pelton reportedly shouted in disbelief. “No one ran this by me!”

Sources say Pelton’s anger is due to the fact that he received a gold-crusted hoverboard from his family as a Christmas present, and was anxiously looking forward to riding it to work every day during second semester.

In fact, he has already been sighted numerous times taking the device on joyrides down Boylston street all last week to make sure he had the hang of it before Emerson students return to class.

“Erik is about to get an earful from me,” Pelton said as he grabbed his phone and started dialing. “Who the fuck does he think he is?!”

At press time, Pelton sent out a mass email announcing an overturn of the hoverboard ban and a search for a new associate dean of students.

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