Food And Nutrition Class Updated With Body Positive Curriculum

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By: Malcolm Kelner

This morning, students in the popular Emerson general education class “Food and Nutrition” were met with a curious new curriculum update for the new semester.

Right from the start, it became apparent the class still served to inform about topics related to food and nutrition, but only in the context of body positivity.

“The FDA recommends we have diets high in protein and fiber and low in simple carbohydrates and saturated fats,” lectured professor and licensed dietician Hillary Long as she began her informational slideshow.

“…Not that there’s anything wrong with those last couple things because who doesn’t love fried chicken and ice cream, am I right?” she quickly added, with a nervous and unconvincing smile on her face.

Long continued on the next slide, saying, “Studies over the past couple decades have shown a multitude of negative effects from drinking sodas and other sugary beverages, so it’s recommended to replace those with water.”

“…But don’t get me wrong, those studies are inconclusive at best and Coca Cola isn’t the biggest company in the world for nothing!” she aggressively stammered, with her eyes repeatedly darting toward the classroom door.

Long then reached a slide in her presentation about fitness and active lifestyles, at which point sources say she became more and more agitated.

“It’s recommended that we get at least a half hour of exercise a day, by doing activities such as running, biking, weight lifting, or playing a sport,” she said. “Consistent exercise allows for strong alertness and energy, improvement of life expectancy and prevention of many diseases, and helps with maintaining a healthy weight.”

“…Exercise isn’t for everyone though, and I’m NOT forcing you do it!” she immediately clarified, raising her voice even louder. “Plus, gym memberships are expensive and most of us are too busy to work out.”

“All exercise and so-called ‘fitness’ are really good for anyway is falsely empowering a group of people to think they’re better than everyone, and then using their thin privilege to lord over and body-shame the rest of the population!” 

Long took a moment to gather herself, and then completely lost it.

“ALL BODIES ARE BEAUTIFUL AND HEALTHY, NO MATTER THEIR SHAPE AND SIZE!! DON’T BELIEVE THE MEDIA!!!” she screamed, as she burst into tears and ran out of the room.

At press time, students of the class were very excited for the rest of the semester and said the lecture was “very inspiring.”

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