By Emme Harris
Over winter break, Colonial received a few upgrades, including a complete makeover inside of the laundry room, which is now an indoor spa. The extra-leisurely area now features saunas, massages, and meditation rooms. All these amenities are exclusively offered to residents of Colonial.
“Colonial is our sexiest dormitory,” said Interim Dean Sharon Duffy, patting the concrete on the Colonial. “The residents here deserve flawless, hotel-quality treatment, and they’re going to get it.”
While Colonial dwellers are ecstatic, residents from other buildings aren’t as high on the changes. Junior Jess Albright, from Piano Row, who was denied entry to the spa, voiced her concern.
“I think it’s really unfair,” stated Jessica Albright, a sophomore theater major living in Little Building, “They already have ovens – this just sucks.”
Rumors have been swirling around campus that while the College prepares for a dormitory makeover by 2018, the Colonial will continue to be treated as the premier residence hall. Mailroom employees are now being trained as masseuses.
“I have absolutely no training,” said Ed Dibarto, who works there weekdays. “The new gossip is that if we don’t want to give massages, we’ll have to be personal butlers in the elevators.”
At press time, the shouts of angered students in the Colonial lobby were reportedly being drowned out due to the excessively loud rainforest instrumentals being played throughout the spa.