Berkeley Beacon Readers Relieved Certain Staff Weren’t Involved In Article

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By: Malcolm Kelner

When the Berkeley Beacon published an article in their latest issue about new curriculum updates to the film program, it gave a chilling scare to readers of Emerson’s second most popular news publication.

The panic was based on the fact that two high-ranking editors on the Beacon staff are film students themselves, thus presenting a conflict of interest that threatened not only the pristine credibility of the Beacon but also the newspaper business as a whole.

“As I got further and further into the article, I started thinking, ‘Wait a second, aren’t [Editor-in-chief] Blair [Mobiles] and [Managing Editor] Summer [Ferris] part of the film program?'” said junior Marketing major Stephanie Zimmer. “How can they be publishing this?!”

Senior Film major Erik Whiteside was equally concerned.

“When I saw the headline, I’m like, ‘This has to be a joke, I’ve had classes with both of them!'” he said. “My heart basically stopped and I started sweating profusely.”

Luckily for these students and the thousands of other readers of the article, their fears were alleviated when they saw the following addendum at the end of the piece:

“Editor-in-chief Blair Mobiles and Managing Editor Summer Ferris, who are involved in the Emerson film program, did not edit this article.”

“Thank the fucking lord,” an immensely relieved Whiteside said. “They really had us all scared shitless.”

“Next time they should really put that at the beginning of the article, it would have spared us a lot of heartache,” Zimmer echoed. “I’m just glad everything is okay.”

At press time, a Beacon sports editor who is dating a member of the women’s tennis team was putting a disclaimer that he didn’t edit the team’s season preview article, mainly for the purpose of bragging about his relationship.

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