By Charlie Greenwald
Choosing to continue flaunting his expensive wardrobe instead of dressing warmly, freshman Jeremy Parker is apparently completely frozen in a large hunk of ice outside of the Paramount building.
“Urrrrmmmmm,” Parker attempted to say, his eyes darting back and forth but completely without bodily function. “Aerrrhhhhbbbbb… huuurmmm.”
Friends say that Parker, a native of Savannah, Georgia, has dressed confidently and irresponsibly since December. Although he has three classes in Paramount and the temperatures this week have dipped to as low as 15 degrees, he does not own a pair of gloves, a hat, or any sort of winter jacket, other than his three Calvin Klein slim-fit suits.
“This was bound to happen,” said Parker’s roommate Darby Kurla. “He’s just not cut out for these temperatures.”
Sources say that Parker will have finally thawed by Saturday, just in time to be buried in snow by this weekend’s imminent blizzard.