(Disclaimer: This article, as well as the rest of this website, is purely satirical. Besides the introductory paragraph, everything is completely fake. Scroll up. Look, it says, “Laughing at Emerson, with Emerson.” If that is not clear enough, there is a link to an “About” page which fully describes the nature of this website and its mission. The students listed are not real, and the quotes are made up as well. Emerson student-athletes, just like those at every other NCAA Division III college, are prohibited from receiving any sort of athletic scholarships. If any do receive financial aid from the school, it is based on academic merit and/or need. The first quote–which was, once again, fabricated by the author–was written to lampoon the common misconception among Emerson’s student body that the school’s student-athletes do receive athletic scholarships. Sometimes, satire is even more poignant than actual news, because it draws attention to certain issues in a way that straight-forward news can not. The author’s intention of “quoting” the first “student” was to open people’s eyes to the myth of D3 athletic scholarships, and to hopefully make the point to readers that Emerson’s student-athletes receive no more privileges than any other students. They come to Emerson first and foremost to gain a practical education in communication and the arts, and any athletic participation comes second. Thanks for reading and we hope you enjoy the site!)
The Emerson Lions men’s basketball team followed up an impressive road victory against D3 powerhouse MIT with a comeback home win vs. Springfield College on Tuesday night. After starting the game down 15-0, the Lions outscored the Pride 50-21 in the second half en route to a decisive 73-59 win.
Let’s see what Emerson thinks…
“If Emerson is going to spend all this money on full-ride scholarships for athletes, the least we can ask is that they win a few games for us.”
-Amber Campbell, Journalism Major
“It really was a tale of two halves. After playing selfish offensive ball in the first half with a lot of ill-advised shot attempts, it’s no surprise we trailed by 15 at the break. Whatever Coach Curley said to the team at halftime though really worked, because we definitely gelled as a unit in the second half. We played aggressive team defense, made the extra pass on offense, and focused on creating high-percentage shots in the paint– exploiting Springfield’s lacking interior defense. 62.1% from the floor in the second half?! Come on now, that’s as good as it gets. We were able to feed off a terrific home atmosphere in the Brown & Plofker gym, which really is a special thing to see. It’s great that our team is finally starting to live up to its talent, and I hope the rest of the NEWMAC is taking notice.
-Brent Scheffles, Musical Theatre Major
“Sports!”
-Eric Lang, Comedic Arts Major
Lion's Tooth 
As a former student-athlete at Emerson, it’s disheartening to see fellow Emersonians discriminate against each other. We attend classes and are involved in other student organizations and still 4 years later, I read comments and posts like the above. To the student who made the comment about full ride scholarships, please get your facts straight. Division III student-athletes receive absolutely NO scholarships, as it’s against NCAA regulations. For any athletes on scholarship, they are completely academically based.
Try supporting before jumping to conclusions. Emerson preaches inclusion and respect for all – be a part of it.
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Are you talking about a scholarship like the one Jason Terry got?
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Its satire obviously and awesome satire at that. Keep up the awesome articles!
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