With Accepted Students Day In Rearview, Setup for Deferred Students Day Begins

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By Charlie Greenwald

As the final campus tours for Accepted Students Day winded down on Saturday at approximately 4:00 PM, Emerson faculty and staff began setting up for Deferred Students Day, a much more melancholic event.

“I want these students to both picture themselves at Emerson and also to picture themselves not at Emerson, because that’s possible,” said admissions representative Tara Fulco. “But, if we end up taking them, we want them to like it.”

While rolling admission decisions haven’t been released yet, all early decision applicants know at this juncture whether or not they have been accepted, rejected or deferred to the regular application pool. The Emerson faculty has worked tirelessly to prepare both events this weekend, both for the students whose checks they know they will be depositing, and for those whose checks they are still unsure of.

“We’ve got flyers for each building and major, but we’re not going to give them out to the students – just show them,” said tour guide Max Bonadio.

Nobody yet knows exactly how long Deferred Students Day will be or how many people will attend, but projections estimate that nine students will attend for a ten minute session.

 

“Spotlight” Sequel Based On Berkeley Beacon Staff Green-Lighted

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By: Malcolm Kelner
 
After an uncharacteristic couple-week lull in which no Emerson College-related stories went viral, a big announcement has thrust the school back into national headlines where it belongs.
 
Days before the Academy Awards, Open Road Films has officially green-lighted a sequel to the Oscar-nominated film “Spotlight,” and it will center around Emerson’s #2 news publication, the Berkeley Beacon.
 
Just as its prequel involved a Boston newspaper breaking a huge story (the Boston Globe’s 2001 report revealing years of systematic sexual abuse and cover-up by Boston’s Catholic Church), “Spotlight 2” will do the same — telling the story of the Beacon’s bombshell spring 2015 report revealing Emerson had a problem with diversity and inclusion.
 
“This is a brave story that needed to be told,” said “Spotlight” director Tom McCarthy, who jumped at the chance to also direct the sequel.
 
“Just as ‘Spotlight’ showed the power of journalism to expose a huge problem, ‘Spotlight 2’ will do the same. No one had any idea Emerson lacked diversity until the Beacon staff had the guts to expose the ugly truth, just like the Globe did previously.”
 
“And the way they did it, with all those neat graphs… wow. That’s all you can say about it,” McCarthy added.
 
The excitement over the film doesn’t stop there. 
 
Open Road has also confirmed there will be a star-studded cast, just like the first film. Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Emma Stone, and Zoe Kravitz are just a few of the actors already signed on, ready to convincingly portray the millennial characters on the Beacon staff who were part of the famous report. 
 
“In today’s world, it’s harder and harder to find the truth, but thanks to the heroes at the Berkeley Beacon, it’s not gone quite yet,” McCarthy concluded, wiping a tear from his eye.
 
At press time, Paramount Pictures had announced the filming of “The Big Short 2,” the real-life story of how thousands of Emerson students were duped into paying a quarter of a million dollars for a meaningless piece of paper.

Report: Sorority Members Upset Facebook Didn’t Add A “Stop” Button To Use On Sisters’ Profile Pictures

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By: Malcolm Kelner

Emerson’s sorority sisters are reportedly very upset Facebook’s groundbreaking expansion of the “like” button today did not include a “stop” reaction.

This morning, users of the social media site around the world were given the new reaction options, “love,” “haha,” “wow,” “sad,” and “angry,” but much to the dismay of sorority sisters, “stop” was somehow left out.

“Definitely a buzzkill,” said Kappa member Beatrice Robertson, who, along with her other sisters, will have no choice but to continue typing out, “Oh my god stop you’re too perfect” on each other’s profile pictures instead of having the convenience of communicating the same idea with one simple button.

While the different sororities at Emerson have not always gotten along on the best terms, they could not have been more united on this issue.

“I don’t know how [Facebook CEO Mark] Zuckerberg could have left out a ‘stop’ reaction,” echoed Katie White, a sophomore sister from AEPhi. “‘Like,’ ‘love,’ and ‘wow’ are pretty much interchangeable but ‘stop’ would have been actually different, and crucial in our skin-deep validating procedures”

“Such a shame.”

As if the day could get any worse, follow-up reports indicate the sisters were also lamenting the absence of an “I Can’t Even” button.

Emerson’s Wannabe Comedians Getting Ready To Abuse The Shit Out Of New Facebook Reaction Buttons

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By: Malcolm Kelner

Emerson’s wannabe comedians and students who think they’re just much funnier than they actually are are reportedly all getting ready to abuse the fucking shit out of the new expansions to Facebook’s “like” button.

Following months of testing the update in other countries, Facebook rolled out the new reactions worldwide this morning, which allows users to react to their friends’ posts with a “love,” “haha,” “wow,” “sad,” and “angry,” in addition to the longtime “like.”

Now, all eyes are on Emerson’s “funniest” as they begin to assault their friends’ newsfeeds with tailored statuses and trolling of photos.

“I’m not sure I LIKE this new Facebook update, but it definitely made me say WOW,” one clever student wrote.

“Click the ‘haha’ on this status if you think Donald Trump would make a great president,” said another.

“She’s gonna be so pissed when she sees this,” said yet another comedic virtuoso to Lion’s Tooth reporters as he clicked the “sad” button on his friend’s profile picture from 2009.

At press time, all of the aforementioned students were hitting the “angry” button for this article.

Emerson Students Flock To Common To Not Do Sports During Warm Weekend

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By Charlie Greenwald

With temperatures hovering in the 50’s today and yesterday, Emerson students rushed into the Boston Common to do things other than sports, including meditate, take pictures, and listen to music on a towel with friends.

“Man, this weather is just so great,” said Kathryn LoBello, who played with some dogs alongside a group of Boston University students, who were playing a game of Hacky Sack.

Although the majority of Emerson student-athletes were busy competing in games this weekend, several of the non-student-athletes who went outside and did things in the sun say that they too were working out the whole time.

“Seriously, man, I’m practically breaking a sweat,” said sophomore Derek Bernstein, clutching his Nikon D750 and taking pictures of strangers. “Global warming, right?”

At press time, the forecast for Boston had a low of 25 degrees Fahrenheit on Monday.

Reeling From Tuesday’s Monday Schedule, Professor Not Sure What Fucking Day It Is

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By Charlie Greenwald

Clearly thrown off by the scheduling liberties Emerson has taken this week, VMA professor Glenn Rosvaly admitted he was not sure what day it was, as he began to fall asleep before his 12:00 class.

“The whole scheduling change really confused me,” Rosvaly said, groggy-eyed and dazed. “I also work at Northeastern and this whole schedule day swap has me in a bit of a funk – I thought today was Tuesday.”

To make up for the Presidents’ Day holiday, Emerson made all Monday classes meet on Tuesday as a make up. Wednesday classes resumed today.

“I can’t remember if I play racquetball with friends today, or if that’s tomorrow… I’m not sure,” Rosvaly said, to apparently no one.

At press time, Rosvaly was scrambling for papers and heading over to Northeastern, where Tuesday classes were meeting to make up for the Monday schedule they had in effect yesterday.